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Sorry I haven't checked in lately, friends. This is friend Behr (a friend of yours from the Internet which you are abusing right now with whatever you are up to).

I apologize.

That's right. I apologize because I have been very shaky the last few days. I leaped into a hooker in New York City in 1972 and was stuck in a weird turkish bath kind of situation with eight morbidly obese Russian men who were doing crimes and talking about them in Russian. I could not understand what they were saying because my universal translator is in my X-Man type arm attachment labelled "Universal Translator" (for easy identification as a universal translator so as not to confuse it with the brain melting attachment - "point and click" type).

Half mental at this point. You know what that is like. Good thing you are better now. I am pleased with your progress and your hairstyle and I understand why you masturbate so often. It is natural to do so. Put your hands on your genitals now and fondle and pull on them while reading the rest of this writeup that offers you new learnings here on everything2 website where I am paid $140,000 per writeup over 15 words. Good stuff. Good work if you can get it. You think I work for free? I am a businessman not a lush like you with your masturbation issues.

Although I definitely have masturbation issues. If I cannot get myself off eleven times a day it is hard to stuff down the urge to kill (and I have a "war hammer" which is something like a hammer one uses in war).

How you feeling down there? The stimulation kicking in yet? Do you feel aroused? Does a time traveling businessman get you off, baby? Come on, touch yourself for your ultimate satisfaction. I know you know you want to. Much like that song that was on the radio years ago about that kind of thing. It was one of the ones that was on the radio sometimes. You know the one. Dancy.

How do you feel right now? Aroused or ill? It gets worse, I promise you. I promise you that your life will get worse going forward unless you get your hands away from there. I see no logical reason - as Mr. Spock the star of my Pulitzer Prize winning article "Tights buns" says which is a better writeup to masturbate to than this one. There are no asses in this writeup. There is no "considerable jiggle" as the Internet kiddies say when "checking out the ladies" and giving them points on a spreadsheet for future reference.

I don't feel right after what happened with the Russian men. They were so large and there was so much fat all around me as we were all naked in the giant steaming tub and I had so many body parts and objects inside me that it couldn't have been healthy for the person who went back in that body after I leaped out.

What I had to do was to get Russian state secrets from these men and pass it on to Nixon era FBI agents so that we could win the war in Vietnam but then I set off a chain of events that basically ended Nixon's presidency. It came apart fast after I got involved and I'm sorry you never got to experience what Nixon did that he no longer does because of the "Watergate" business which happened as well. I kind of accidently exposed the whole deal by mistakenly giving a tape of Nixon's to the Russian men instead of giving him the tape I stole from them. It got really weird after that.

I can still feel them all around me with their oily hands and hungry mouths. This sort of thing needs to stop happening. If women go through this kind of thing I am appalled and regret all the times I pinned women against walls in the 1970s while I was going through remedial grammar school as a 40 year old man because my German education in the late 1930s and 1940s was so questionable by reasonable standards. That was when I would gain popularity with the other kids by agreeing to use my age and size to bully and steal from the weaker kids. Three kids died, although I plead the fifth as to my involvement. Sometimes you have to apply a little extra pressure to get them to bring you their parents' jewels and stocks, but that was how I first built up my business as a professional businessman. Patent pending.

One everything I am sorry. Please, have mercy on me. Give me your love. Masturbate for me now.

My friends.