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Same Day Service is the name of the script I have written that I expect will soon be turned into a James Bond movie featuring a handsome actor who plays a character named Bond who is a secret agent who takes on diabolical plots against the environment.

As one of the world's leading promoters of doing something about climate change, I wrote this script and fully fleshed it out in order to present a realistic vision of what it is like to deal with climate change deniers out on the open sea. If you thought that show about crazy people fishing in the ocean in Alaska was ball-jerking crazy time, you are not ready for this movie.

The story opens with an action sequence prior to the opening credits. Pow! Right at you! I perfected this techique with my well known 1980s script for the movie Six-Pack at Pussy Ridge, which won the Academy Award that year, or at least was considered for it by some people who liked it a lot. So, I know what I am talking about.

Now, there have been a lot of movies made in the past about James Bond, but none since 1969, which is troubling, but the hippie movement, which I now fully endorse despite having roasted alive 3,481 hippies between 1968 and 1970 before being accepted for citizenship by the Nixon White House, changed the way movies are made.

The action picks up in a remote jungle villa, which is very nice, like Mar-a-Lago but without a stooge inside. We hear mosquitos chirping and bees and animals making love, but no human sounds until the camera closes in on the door to the villa, which springs open and two men are fighting with long knives. Neither of these is Bond. Where is Bond?

Bond is not in this part of the movie.

The opening credits roll and we are taken to the office of the secret agents where he meets with an old man with a horny secretary and they discuss "matters." Then he visits another old guy who gives him a guitar that works like a gun and he is off to the jungle to investigate why two men were there fighting with long knives. It is a mystery that is concerning to those who are concerned about climate change.

Bond is on a ship, drinking a martini and trying to get laid when the whole ship starts quaking. They can use effects for that. They are being boarded, Bond learns as he goes to the top of the ship and peers over the side. A group of climate change deniers is taking control of the ship.

Bond springs into action along with American Secret Agent Brian Goatman, an older, paunchy gentleman who cares deeply about the environment and the poor. They fight off the climate change deniers after a long battle sequence involving killer midgets and someone with their face painted like the devil but who has a giant crucifix hanging around their neck. Bad people. Devil guy gets away at the last second.

Bond gets to the villa and investigates the surrounding area. A fat guy from Tahiti greets him and calls him "senor" even though neither of them are native Spanish speakers. Eerie. They talk about the two men who had the fistfight. The Tahiti guy knows one of them. He lives in a nearby village and makes custom dildos for old women who have dried up inside. They are magic dildos and are made of ornately carved wood. They all appear to have the face of Sherman Helmsley on them, which is a cultural reference you won't understand because you are young and not raised right.

The other man is a mystery, so Bond goes to talk to dildo man in the village. They talk exotic dildos for a period of time, attracting the attention of a beautiful native girl. Bond blows her a kiss and she gets down on her knees and blows him while Bond continues to discuss business with the dildo man. In the end, this woman would not need a dildo. Not for that night anyway.

It is decided to go into the jungle to look for the second man after they pass his picture around the village and everyone just shakes their head at it. At one point Bond is so infuriated with how not helpful they are being that he guns down 80 of them with an uzi and then changes into a tux.

There is going to be a formal dinner at the villa the night before Bond is to venture out into the jungle with Agent Goatman. During this dinner party, Goatman tries to get lucky with women the way Bond does so easily, but eventually gives up and balls one of the corpses Bond left in the street. A great bit of comic relief during the tense drama. I love it.

The next morning, Bond wakes up with another beautiful woman, who he has simply balled the hell out of all night with a smile on his face, to a knock at the door.

"Who is it?"

"Room service."

"I didn't order any room aervice."

"Blueberry pancakes,"

"I didn't order those."

"Warm and fresh. Very fluffy, down home recipe."

"Sounds good, I'll open up."

What he thinks is room service turns out to be more climate change deniers. Bond is hit over the head and taken out to their climate change denier supervan. The chick he was balling was in on it and it turns out she works for them, leading a team of climate change denier stunt planes that do shows in the Midwest.

Bond wakes up in a room with a lot of stainless steel furniture and some bald guy talking about his "master plan" so Bond kicks him in the face and gets out of there, grabbing Goatman on the way and the girl for more balling later on. They escape through a series of volcanic tunnels and then head back to the village to continue the investigation of the two mysterious men having a fistfight.

They are finally able to locate the second man through the use of telecommunications technology. He is on a submarine heading to Russia. He is geting away, but Bond has special swimming equipment and his special guitar that he got from the old man and jumps into the ocean after the submarine.

He catches up to the submarine after fighting a shark and jams his face into the propeller to stop it. He has a special mask on that keeps him from being cut up so he can do this. It isn't a stunt, they use the same technique in the modern Coast Guard (see your recruiter today - let the Coast Guard get you on the right track in life - you won't regret it). He then waits for it to surface, opens the hatch, and starts kicking serious ass to intense music. In the final part of the battle he takes on devil guy with a crucifix again and this time defeats him, but it is a rough battle. Goatman and the girl show up in the stunt planes with other women who also want to ball James Bond and they get the other man off the submarine and bring him back to the villa.

The two men are re-introduced and they are not happy about it. Bond asks what happened.

"What were you fighting about?"

"He said my wife was ugly!"

"She is ugly, she's a fat pig."

"That's not nice," Bond tells them. "People need to show respect for one another. I want you two to apologize to each other and to the other patrons of the villa for your shenanigans the other night."

They agree after a tense standoff and then shake hands. Bond gets in the stunt plane with the women and has sex with them.

End credits.