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This sweeping epic miniseries from the Great Age of the Television Miniseries is regarded as Must See Television, or it was in 1983 when the 1970s were still going strong and things hadn't gotten bad yet because Little House on the Prairie was still on television filling the holes in our souls at that time. And now we have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

But, in 1983, Little House on the Prairie was still on (about to get cancelled by Walter Mondale in his inhumane cruelty) and we received a treat in the form of hunky 70s superstar Richard Chamberlain (me-OW!) in the television miniseries adaptation of steamy Catholic romance novel, The Thorn Birds, written by Colleen McCullough (an author). The book was published in 1977 (which is actually before the miniseries came out) and it was about some stuff that happens in Australia (which burned down and sunk into the ocean recently) involving a family of sheep farming type people in the Outback (named after the famous steakhouse). It deals with their adventures over the course of the early and mid 20th century (before Australia burned down).

Because I have trouble understanding words when too many of them are grouped together at the same time in a singular format, I didn't get through much of the book. I was looking for the sex parts and so, my copy of The Thorn Birds (book edition) has a lot of pages marked for that reason. However, when I learned hunky actor Richard Chamberlain (HOT in the city TONIGHT) would be playing him in a television miniseries, I was naturally enthralled.

I'd recently ordered copies of the Anniversary Edition of The Thorn Birds on VHS on eBay, but it took a while for the transaction (linked in case you suffer from abject stupidity and don't know what "transaction" means) to be processed because my assets were frozen by the FBI and I can't remember the password for my Cayman Islands accounts. So, I had to beg for change in front of the abandoned A&P to get the money for the Anniversary Edition VHS tape collection of The Thorn Birds. I didn't want to watch it alone, so I went down to the world famous Utica Zoo and went looking for my old friend the zoo lady. She wasn't there, and after asking around, I was told she was killed recently when "some kind of hairless beast" entered the mental hospital she'd taken some old man to and it apparently tore everyone to pieces.

What I did at that point was to move away from this person as I knew more about this story than I wanted to let on (being that I was the old man in that story). I was going to leave the zoo grounds completely, but then this girl working at the ice cream stand waved me over.

"Hey, old man," she said with a coy smile as she blew a bubble with her gum and let it pop on her face. "You want to do sex with me? I get off work in a half hour."

This girl was young, and I'd find out from talking to security that she was twenty-two years old, and I am almost ninety. So, I wasn't sure how this would come off in the media. As a bestselling novelist and celebrated social critic, I need to maintain my reputation and these days it seems everyone is very suspicious of situations involving men like me and women like Trixie Horn. But, she came out from behind the ice cream stand wearing a tight purple and orange leotard, chewing on her gum and a lollypop at the same time, her multi-colored hair in pigtails as she swung a baseball bat around and told me, "Wanna be bad with me, Friend Behr?"

"Oh, baby, yes, but first I need to finish my review of the television miniseries The Thorn Birds."

"How long will that take, baby?"

"The entire miniseries is 477 minutes long. Do you want to come over and watch it with me?"

She squealed with delight and jumped up on me, wrapping her legs around my waist like a vice and running her sticky (from the lollypop) hands all over my bald head and moaning, "I love your fucking head, man. I fucking love it!"

I convinced her to dismount and waited for her to get off work. They made me wait in the parking lot. Security said I was engaging in "very odd behaviors that were scaring children." When Trixie Horn came out, she simply jumped in through the passenger window of my Pontiac (which I recently got back from FBI asset seizure warehouse through my connections on the dark web). Turning to me with a big smile, she said, "Okay, baby, lets go watch The Thorn Birds."

I popped the first cassette in, remarking about how wonderful an invention the VHS tape player really was as I demonstrated its ability to fast forward, rewind, and even pause during bathroom breaks. She didn't seem impressed, instead going through my cabinets "I'm looking for rubbers!" and making a mess of my kitchen. Finally, I had to grab her, put her across my knee and spank her while telling her, "We sit quietly to watch Must See Television in THIS HOUSEHOLD!" She eventually got the message, but I may have injured her as she convulsed a couple times, and a big wet spot appeared between her legs during the spanking that almost led me to stop several times on account of how sticky it was.

Trivia: The Thorn Birds is the most bestselling book in Australian bestseller history, and now will forever remain as such due to Australia burning down and sinking into the sea.

Our show opens in 1915 at the sheep station, and this immediately causes Trixie to groan and complain. "This is so OLD!" she whined at me until I threatened to spank her again. We watched the epic unfold and eventually, after she straddled me and began grinding her privates against mine, through my pants and her lycra leotard (I checked the label while trying to get her off me), she saw something that caught her eye and went and sat down like a normal person. Her eyes were glued to the stage as the drama unfolded before us in all its early-80s spectacle.

Richard Chamberlain (hunk) plays a Catholic priest named Ralph who gets into this steamy love affair with this sheep station owner. There are a lot of sheep and beautiful vistas, but also a lot of steamy sex, which Trixie seemed to get into. Rachel Ward plays the woman he gets all into the sexy with.

About 300 minutes in, Trixie climbed on top of me and began sitting inappropriately again. This time I felt funny in my pants and this distracted me from watching most of the last 177 minutes. However, I can say it is an excellent series if you are into forbidden Catholic priest sex that involves grown women and sheep being all over the place all the time, railway yards, the Outback, and from time to time a kangaroo. The kangaroos and sheep are not involved in the sexy times. I hope you didn't infer that from my review.

In my final evaluation after considering alll the factors above, I give The Thorn Birds 4.5 Stars. I took half a point because it was a bit too easy for me to get distracted by a twenty-two year old nymphomaniac in a leotard while watching it. I'd like it to be a bit more riveting.

 

This is for Bird Quest 2020