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The problem with loose-fitting clothes is not just one problem. The problems with wearing loose-fitting clothes are legion. Let me explain.

They may be more comfortable, but what happens when we are comfortable in our clothes? We either fall asleep or think we are on the toilet. In either case, you leave yourself vulnerable to attack from any number of directions. Co-workers could put bugs in your mouth. A priest could shove your head in the baptismal font, or you could end up signing up for a subscription to Life Magazine as I did on one occasion when I wore loose-fitting clothing while at the strip mall over by the airport

When you wear loose-fitting clothing it slows down your movements in combat situations. This is why superheroes, such as those depicted in comic books and a recent abundance of mysteriously connected films, always wear tight fitting clothing. You don't see any of them running around wearing a burlap sack and a ridiculous jester hat, do you? There is a reason for that. Your limbs get tangled in the ridiculous amount of excessive fabric involved in this absurd form of dress.

Clothing is made by enslaved children in poor countries. When you buy loose-fitting clothing, because of how much excessive and completely unnecessary fabric is used, more children must be enslaved to produce your vain attempt at middle class glory. Not to mention the impact on the environment it has when you force plants to grow more cloth than you actually need. Steer clear of loose-fitting clothing if you care about humanity.

Much like canines, humans find their mates by checking out each other's rear-ends. If you wear loose-fitting clothing, you will never find a mate other than some desperate geek who never cleans his glasses. Your children will be atrocious. You can lay money down on that it has such a degree of certainty.

All Americans have one of three aspirations: (1) Make money in real estate or investments, (2) Own a bar or restaurant, (3) Work as a stripper in a high traffic club. Now, if you wear loose-fitting clothing you will be unable to attain any of these aspirations. No one will take you seriously in the real estate game and Wall Street will not allow you to even walk down the street there. You won't even be able to get an appointment to see about purchasing a bar or restaurant, and well, there is no chance any but the really low-end strip clubs is going to hire you to perform if you are walking around in some clowny sweatsuit designed for someone four times bigger than you. You'd be lucky to get a job as a manual laborer, a railroad hobo, or a sack-racer. I want you to be successful. You need to start pouring yourself into your clothes. People WILL take notice and you will have more opportunities in this world.

In short, it is sick and wrong to wear loose-fitting clothing.

And now you know the truth.