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driving home from work today. windows down, cool air blowing my messy/curly hair around. the sun is shining on my face. rainer maria playing on the radio. i can't help but smile. and that's the surprising thing. i can't remember the last time i was able to just smile like that. to not smile just so people don't ask what's wrong. to not be hiding a frown behind that fake smile. to just smile because i feel so damn good. no, that's a lie. i do remember. March 17, 2000. the papas fritas show. i wonder what's with me lately? could it be...dare i say it? i'm getting happy again?

i'm starting to feel again. and i'm scared.

i'm scared because i remember. i remember why i stopped caring. i remember my life becoming a steady grey blur of empty lethargy. i remember when it was a struggle to do things of the utmost simplicity and routine. like eat. i remember, being already skinny, and losing 50 pounds in 2 months. i still haven't gotten them back. i remember how, for several months, i couldn't go one day without thinking of her and becoming so distraught i would actually vomit. i remember, back when still being friends meant actually trying to hang out together, she asked me to be her valentine and a week later, drinking heavily to stand being around her but not being with her, i say something i shouldn't, and she says "if we can't be friends just tell me" and that's the last contact i have with her for 4 months. i remember the first time i saw her kiss her new boyfriend. but most of all, i remember new years eve. 4am, my key snaps off in the deadbolt. i walk to her house, lights are still on, i knock, i ask for spot on her couch for the night. i'm turned away. i walk back home. i break out a window. i cut my hand badly on some glass. the sun is coming up by now. i'm surprised at how red the blood is. and how little it hurt. i remember how i looked at my wrists. i remember what it is to feel, and i'm scared.

rainer maria is still playing.

I'm certain if I drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess than you've made of me