Yesterday was the last day of
classes at
Illinois State University.
I stayed home, took a nap. Missed a lunch date.
I'm graduating in about 7 days (and 14 hours).
I majored in English, mostly because I knew that I couldn't do the computer thing my whole life. I love literature, fuck off.
In a week, I will no longer be a college student.
I've been here five years, delaying the inevitable. I had a minor in computer science, but realized I learned less in class than I did on my own. I dropped it. That's why I've been here 5 years. I planned for it.
I'm scared.
I also have a minor in Writing. I want to write. I wrote about 40 pages this semester of creative non-fiction, aka the fourth genre. I remember that doing this was my great joy though the semester.
I'm scared to death.
I know that in a few months I'll have forgotten my dreams, but I want to head to graduate school, getting maybe an MFA, but I'd rather do the PhD thing. I don't know. Maybe I'll get a job as a waiter or something while I prepare. I'm a nice guy. Probably won't happen. I'm dreaming. I need to get something published, because my GPA leaves something to be desired. (It's still over 3 (out of 4) in my major.)
Did I explain that I'm scared?
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I took a nap.
I could make a dream log about this, but I'm not going to. I dreampt that my roommate's girlfriend tried to have sex with me. I saw her naked yesterday. I feel guilty. A sin in the heart or something.
I miss my girlfriend, who hasn't e-mailed me in about 4 days, which is totally unlike her. I hope nothing's wrong.
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I have to write poetry, but I don't feel like it. I want to work on my novel. I want to work on my creative non-fiction. I want to get really drunk. I want to get laid.
I talked with this little Jewish woman from my poetry class yesterday for about 3 hours outside. That was the best time I've had all semester. I'm supposed to write a play for her, and she's starting a theater company in Chicago. I miss her, already, even though we've rarely spoken this semester. Another piece of regret upon me.
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I've ripped 6 of my own CD's to MP3. I got sick of hunting in my piles and piles of optical media looking for my music. Now their all on my hard drive. If the RIAA doesn't like this, they can suck it. I won Mogwai's Rock Action, why shouldn't I be able to listen to it on my computer?
I graduate in a week.
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They say that your regret is strongest with the things you did not do. I don't know if it's stronger, but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. This can either empower or weigh down. It's up to the regretor to choose.
Fuck it.