I never could resist her eyes, those entrancing blue-grey eyes.
I’ve known her since the 7th grade. We actually sat next to each other in Language Arts class. The first thing I remember her saying to me was “You’ll probably want to change seats, I’m really weird.” We were both chosen to go to Japan for our school’s annual student exchange program. I remember when we visited an agricultural center in Japan, and got to visit the area where they raised cows. Inspired by that, she jokingly said that one day she would own a cow farm, and that I would have to visit her there. On the day that we were to return to Oregon, she said that she wanted to collect Japanese beverage cans, and without thinking about currying any favor with her, I spent the last remnants of my yen supply to buy the craziest beverages I could find. Imagine a chubby white kid in Japan, carrying five or six drinks through the Kansai Airport, only to drink them all on the plane, before we even took off.
In eighth grade whenever we played dodge ball in PE, I made it a point to get on the other team as her, so that I could devote all of my energy to hitting her with the ball. After PE, we again both had Language Arts, and on dodge ball days I would never be able to have a conversation with her, but instead have to settle for an icy, flirty stare. I’d give anything to see that kind of stare again.
When high school rolled around, things started to get a little more interesting. At football games, I would stand next to, and occasionally talk to her and some of her friends, which consequently meant that I would have to watcher her flirt with other guys. Again, we were in the same Language Arts class. I remember the day that she was inducted into the Thespian Society. She had to dress up like a green fairy, and throw glitter around. To get her to pay attention to me, I took one of her bottles of glitter when her back was turned. As she interrogated me on her bottle’s whereabouts, I was given for the first time the look that could get me to do most anything for her. It was a look that made me feel needed, a look that had some unspoken insurance behind it, promising me a higher standing with her. No matter what else is going on between the two of us, whenever she gives me that look, I can’t help but come to her aid. Needless to say, it wasn’t long before I relinquished the glitter.
The following year, we were both picked as the only two students from our school to return to Japan for an International Youth Summit. I was so excited. It wasn’t everyday that I was given a break like that, where I got to spend a copious amount of time alone with her. We talked a lot on the trip, and got to know each other a little better. I actually think that she may have flirted with me a little, but I’m a horrible judge when it comes to things of that nature. Near the end of the trip, I more or less gave myself the role of her bitch, in that I helped her carry many of her things, gave her the last of my yen, so she could afford gifts for her family, and generally made myself available to her, to do any menial tasks. On this trip I also became infatuated with J-Pop, specifically Ayumi Hamasaki. When she found out about my newest interest, I was exposed to yet another look that I would receive many times more in the future, a playful, joking, almost pitying look that is always coupled with a smile. It was as if she was saying: "why are you wasting your time on things like that, you silly boy?" Without question, whenever I mention anything even remotely related to video games near her, I get this look. Regardless of what this look may mean, I can’t help but smile when I look at her eyes fixed in that stare. That year I also went to a Weezer concert with her and a group of her friends. I was the only guy in the group, and that was my first real concert. I got that look many times over, when I made apparent my unfamiliarity with concert etiquette.
Last year I hardly ever saw her, except for a few times, during lunch. To be honest, I spent most of that year without really thinking about her. I did learn that she made a habit of drinking and smoking. At that time, I was slightly turned off by that, and thought less of her, as I was adamantly against both potentially harmful recreational activities.
This year I once again had Language Arts with her. I picked a seat right next to her. For one reason or another, I’ve gotten most of the afore mentioned looks multiple times over the last few months. Despite all of the flirting that I (possibly mistakenly) associate with the looks she gives me, I feel that I am little more than a friend to her.
That brings us to today, my school’s Senior Prom. For weeks I’ve heard nonstop talk about the prom, and am thoroughly sick of it. At first though, I was excited, because she was on the ballot for prom court, which meant that she would almost definitely have to attend the event (she normally wouldn’t, and even openly criticized prom). So, one night, after days of mental preparation, I mustered up the courage to call her, and ask her if she wanted to go to prom with me. Much to my spirit-crushing disappointment, she told me that not more than an hour earlier, she asked another guy to prom. She assured me though, that if she hadn’t asked that guy, then she would have said, “yes” to me. I spent days in a depressed, gloomy state, only to be momentarily rejuvenated by her stares at school. About a week later, I overheard her telling a friend that she wasn’t going to go with her previously arranged date for one reason or another. So, believing everything that she had told me earlier, I sat back, and waited for her to approach me about prom. That never came though, and she asked another guy, one of my friends actually. I found out about this an hour before school was out the Friday before Spring Break. That set a real positive tone for the next week for me. I couldn’t understand the situation. I mean, I honestly believed her when she said she, more or less, wanted to go with me. So, over the course of the break, I brooded over my latest revelation, that she lied, and sadly developed an indirect resentment for my friend that would be taking her to prom.
Last night I had a dream about the situation: I was in a parking lot with her and a mutual friend. As we were getting into a car that would serve as all of our rides, I pulled her aside and asked her about prom. She then said that if it would make me happy, she would be willing to re-create a prom like situation, in which I might be able to take her. That’s just wishful thinking though, as I known nothing like that will ever happen.
I don’t know what to think now. I’ve occasionally noticed her watching me, when I’m doing mundane things at school, like reading, or playing video games during class. She’s also been using her “help me” look, to borrow money here and there, money that I’m pretty sure I’ll never see again. But I don’t care. I can’t bring myself to confront her about the prom ordeal. I don’t know what I would gain by that confrontation. At worst, she tells me that she was lying, and that she never had any intention of going with me, and that furthermore, I am stupid to think that she ever liked me, based on the way she looks at me. At best, well, I can’t really think of an “at best” scenario. All outcomes just kind of fall between “bad” and “slightly less bad.” At this point I think I’m happy enough just to subsist on her stares and looks, however misinterpreted they may be.
I never could resist her eyes, and I suspect that I never will.
After writing this, and letting it sit for a while, I realize just how whiney this is... Having read past daylogs of other people that have similar themes, I swore that I would never broadcast my feelings (especially self pitying ones). I don't know what happened... Well, at least now it's out of my system. thanks.