Today is a good day for me. Not too much crying, not too much bitterness. I am getting used to the reality that I may never be fixed; I may always be broken. I've been broken for a really long time, I guess I'm used to it. And at least 3 people really love me in spite of it. There may be more, but these 3 are the only ones that I can acknowledge right now. They don't want anything from me.
My childhood was pretty fscking bad, and I will always have problems with trust and love, but I am already better than I have been.
It's also true that you don't know what you are missing if you have never experienced it. Although I feel that I know, in a sense, about missing something else. Anyway, a friend just got back into town, and I told her I was bi, and she was so happy for me. Now we have something else in common. She wants me to go to a gay bar with her and her lover. I will do this - probably next week. She was sorry to hear I wasn't thrilled to pieces, but I told her I was okay about it now, it was good for me to have to look at my prejudices and pride about this.
I thought that everyone who was in any way gay or bisexual had been abused. Boy am I wrong, wrong, wrong. My apologies (actually very sincere and heartfelt) go out to everyone in the entire world who is either gay or bi. My therapist corrected me; "Actually, you know, that's not true at all. There have been numerous studies done on this subject, and there has never been any correlation between childhood abuse and homosexuality." Boy do I feel small.
And now I realize why on so many "little" things. Why I always want to draw voluptuous naked women and their pretty pussies. Why I look at women, and look, and look, (when they are attractive in a certain way) and can't stop looking.
Amazing that I have denied this side of myself to me all my life. But not surprising, since I have DID. It's just not something I expected to come out of integration.