Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Is this how it's going to be for months to come? Me waiting for her calls, waiting to see her, unable to make spontaneous plans because of her husband's mood?
That'll make me realhappy. Although I like the space, need it, it's the forced distance I don't like. It's the lack of privacy I hate. When we get together it is mostly in public, we hardly ever get together alone and just get to touch each other, make love. It feels forbidden. Making out in a car - you can't get too far like that, trust me - I thought those days were long gone.
I'm feeling so much, so many complicated feelings, it's good we don't see each other a whole lot, but the way it's going, I want to see her more and more. I miss her more and more. I want her to be my girlfriend. I want her to be mine. There are many good things about the restraints we are under - it must be slowing the relationship down - which is good, because she isn't getting dependent on me for too much stuff. And I hate feeling chained down or caged or boxed. And I don't. But it feels like dating in 1955; lots of group activities! Lots of unrequited longing looks. Lots of touching in public places, because we can't touch privately.
And I like having lots of space and time to explore other friendships, which I really need right now, having outgrown so many (or immatured to the point of not being able to be around those grown ups, take your pick). I'm back in counseling, which is helpful. So I think it will work out okay, one way or the other.
I'm still furious with M. for being such a meddling, intrusive jerk. E-mail after e-mail telling me all about my romance addiction (and I thought I hid those romance novels so well) and how fucked up I am and how I don't even know it and when am I going back into counseling on and on and on. Meanwhile, he has about 2 or 3 real friends, maybe, that's being generous, and has been unable to lose any real weight and is still stuck in a bad place emotionally. Love how I get advice from some one who is so bad off. Just love it. Telling me I'm his best friend when we are ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend!!! I am so not his best friend! I can't even talk to him, haven't been able to for the better part of a year, because he just can't understand anything I say.
I hope he gets his shit together or we will just end up with a relationship like I have with Laurie. A broken soul is hard to love.