Friday night I was so tired, I went to bed at 12. M. made a booty call at 1 and woke me up. It was so cute and funny, I wish I had been awake enough to giggle about it - I'm sure it's the first one he's ever made in his whole life. I said, 'no, I'm sleep' and he was so apologetic about it - it was really, really funny.
Saturday I did write in my journal, but my pc kept crashing so I couldn't get it on E2 in time. So here it is - the whole weekend I spent more time letting my thoughts and feelings gel together about my recent breakup with M. So many conflicting feelings, ambivalence about him. He asked yesterday at the coffee shop where I made love to a hazelnut brew if we could date just once a week & he would pick the activity. It was obvious that he was trying to prove that he could be fun to be with and try new things, etc., etc. I said no. I want him; I miss him, but I need to be apart from him right now.
It becomes more and more obvious to me all the time that I love this guy more and more - that my love is so deep and abiding I just will always, always love him. I just can't be with some one who doesn't consistently take care of himself - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Which I think he's done a shitty job of for years and certainly not this past year that we've dated. I want to scream and shout, "Change first, damn you! THEN call me up and ask me out! Show me that you've changed! Don't ask me to help you change! I can't do it with you! Get a life first!" and so on. Of course, I'm not saying any of this so directly or in a mean way. I am just here now.