She's back in my life. I'm stunned. Reeling. In shock. I'll never feel the same way about Mondays again.
I haven't seen her for a few weeks. We've talked on the phone twice. The first week or two, I shrugged it off, went out all the time - drank almost every day, ate chocolate (any clues here??? Nah. I'm fine. I don't need her.) As the days went on, I let go of the chocolate and the alcohol. I went back to my normal eating and drinking habits. Went back to the gym. And it got worse. I missed her more. I felt desolate. I tried over and over again to play my drums, to create art on my car. I would start - and then stop in a few minutes. I couldn't create anything. I couldn't even write. I just didn't care. I felt the pain of her loss in my heart, my mind, my body. I couldn't bear to remember anything we had shared together. I wore the necklace she gave me every day. I still carried her photo around, her cheesy school photo. Damn kindergarten teachers!
I went through another horrible weekend, where I piled on the people and the activities to drown out the sound of my heart breaking. I finally called my old therapist and made an appointment. I wanted to find out how I could (a) get along without her, get over her or (b) see her and accept her marriage as it is. I was hoping that just talking to the therapist would give me the magic to break free of something so I could stop feeling so dead.
She e-mailed me yesterday and said she had good news; could she see me Wednesday? I mailed her back, grasping for any excuse to see her, missing her desperately now - even at the risk of incurring ever more tremendous pain. How about tonight? So - we met.
I thought of all kinds of things she might have to tell me - she told her girlfriend to bugger off; her husband is taking that job in California and she's staying here; I couldn't think of anything else. But I was wrong, so wrong. She's leaving her husband for me after the holidays. She's sure. She wouldn't have told me if she wasn't sure. Yes, she's leaving him to be with me; but if I end up not staying, it will be okay. I'm reeling. I have walled up most of my memories of our relationship, unable to bear the pain. They are now trickling back in, images, sensations, scents, words. This is so astounding, amazing, unbelievable. I never ever thought it would happen; my secret, deepest desire come true. She has told me over and over how much I mean to her. I have discounted it of course. But - now I cannot. I must face the truth. She really, really loves me this much.
And I? I love her - yes. It's a new love, fresh; and so far - she's everything I've ever wanted in a mate. I will see her again tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to stop touching her.