Ben's dead. He died 10 years, 5 months ago as of tomorrow. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him when things are different (when I'm actually going to the gym, how much Al-Anon has changed my life, the fact that my hair is really short now) and when they're the same (talking to friends about Star Wars, any fucking thing that I know he'd understand--and he would, that's part of what made him Ben.) I'm almost 43. He never got to be 33.
I'm re-watching Queer As Folk. Gale Harold's character is not a particularly laudable character, but he does have Ben's mouth, and some of his expressions. When Brian Kinney is upset, he looks like Ben. I could tell you specific moments--the episode, the season, the time on the DVD--when the brows crease and the lips curl and it looks, breathtakingly for me, like Benjamin. It makes me dream of him, and for that the DVDs are beyond price.