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Anyone who has worked on a help desk knows exactly who these people are. My help desk actually keeps a list of these people, so we can be aware of them (ARE YOU LISTENING GEAE?!?!?). These people will call tech support and begin telling us not only what is wrong but how they think it should be fixed. In fact, some go so far as to hang up on us because they know how to do it better. Which leads to the question: "Why did you even bother calling?"

Spotting one of these lusers is simple. Use the following checklist:

  • Does the user ever say "Here's how I think we should fix this."?
  • Has the user already stated his/her qualifactions as a geek (i.e. "I have a MSCE")
  • Are you having trouble fixing the problem because the user won't shutup?
  • Does the user talk down to you ("Well, if you guys had proper documentation, I wouldn't have to call.")?
  • Did the user begin the call with "Yeah, I don't normally need to call tech support, but..."?
  • Once you solved the problem, did the user say "Oh, I knew that, but I didn't bother to try it."?
If you said yes to two or more of the above questions, you may have a PWTTKMACTTTTJC!!! In this horrific event, simply do the following:
  1. Go slow. REAL slow.
  2. Give over-simplistic directions. ("Ok, so go Start...you got that? Ok, now go programs...let me know when you're there...")
  3. Don't solve the problem quickly.
  4. Put the user on hold/mute a LOT.
  5. Keep saying things like "Oh wait - my trainer just told me to try this..."
  6. Be happy - you are ruining their day.
Don't forget: you are the one with power. The user has called you, and needs your help. So if they act all high and mighty, rip 'em a new ass-hole by following the simple instructions above. People who really enjoy this can also read the BOFH stories for more good ideas.