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Ok, about to embark on an overly personal node. I feel that I should node it, but there's no fucking way I'd like to have it associated with my account; which is really too bad, since I know how much you guys love to vote this kinda stuff up. Since I'm not a catholic this is as close to confessional as I get. Well, anyways, on with the show...

First of all, I'll admit, I'm a very bad man. Age of consent (in this state it's 18) be damned, If there's hair, it's fair. I'm 21, and in the last year, I haven't slept with anyone old enough to buy cigarettes.

On top of my proto-pedophilia, I think I may be a low grade sexual predator. Not only are the girls I've been with young, but many of them have been homeless or from severely dysfunctional families. Part of me says that I'm trying to help them, but the other part is telling me that I should feel free use them because they're vulnerable.

That sounds much worse than it really is, like all dangerous psychos I'm a really nice guy on the surface, and make sure to treat them well. Usually much better than they've ever been treated. Combined with the emotional immaturity girls that age, they try to fall in love with me.

Well, anywho...

Not only do I take advantage of young girls, but I can't remember the last time that I've had safe sex, and some of the girls I've been with can't be described as anything other than dirty sluts.

Yet, for some reason I've never been tested. Maybe it's because I've never had any major symptoms, maybe it's because I don't really care about the meat, Maybe it's just because of fear ( like the Eminem lyrics ). Even without a medical expert's analysis, I've known I had genital warts for the last few months.

(there's an implied statement of knowingly having unprotected sex with people while being aware of this. My rationalization is that some larger percentage of the American population has it anyways, besides it's not going to kill anybody...)

Now, knowing that there's not a cure, as well as being a long time fan of the DIY ethic, I decided to so something about them. Personally.

Having, as a child, had previous experience removing a wart from my finger with little more than a nail file and fingernail clippers, I decided to just go for it down there. After a few experiments on some of the smaller ones, I decided, tonight, to go for the mothership. Any surgical strike requires the proper equipment:

  • A pair of high quality scissors: the orange handled Fiskars from the kitchen seem to be nice and sharp.
  • Neosporin cream: I'd hate to get a (another) infection on my jimmy.
  • Band-aids: I don't want bloodstains on my bedsheets.
  • Balls of Steel: Self genital mutilation is not something that I undertake lightly

Why scissors? Because the previous experiments, using a razorblade was too slow, scissors provide brute force and spontaneity that more than make up for a slightly duller edge.

The actual procedure is probably the least exciting part. After getting my gear, and mentally preparing myself I went to work. I tackled the smaller ones, about the size of a small pimple, first. When properly positioned between the blades of the scissors, a quick snap would easily take them off, remarkably like popping a whitehead.

The scissors were working wonderfully, and with all the smaller warts were taken care of I finally approached the mother lode; 3-4 large warts, all clustered together (the cauliflower refered to in some descriptions). Too big to take off in one fell swoop I had to slowly, somewhat painfully work my way through them. Ick blood everywhere, not gushing, but slowly seeping out fast enough to make work difficult. But I made it through.

After a quick wash up, and aplication of the Neosporin and Bandaid, I stopped to reflect on what I did. Some part of me was still objecting to having seen pieces of my own flesh lopped off, maybe feeling a little bit of shock after the whole deal. But for the most part, I feel somewhat accomplished, and satisfied with myself.

I think it'd be best to try avoiding an erection for at least a few hours, and I've no way of being able to control that in my sleep, so I sit here and node the experience.