"People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people."


Well...here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.

Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want more money, much more.

If you are doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit--not when the good Lord taught him how to fuck you on the deal.

If, after having been exposed to someone's presence, you feel as though you've lost a quart of plasma avoid that presence.
You need it like you need pernicious anemia.
Don't like to hear the word "vampire" around here...trying to improve our public image.
Build up a kindly, avuncular, benevolent image.

Interdependence is the key word.
Enlightened interdependence
Life in all its rich variety, "take a little, leave a little"...

However: by the inexorable logistics of the vampiric parosis

Avoid all fuck-ups.
You all know the type.
Anything they have anything to do with no matter how good it sounds turns into a disaster area.

Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill.
Tell them firmly:


Now, you may encounter the devil's bargain if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving, at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying--so you can take the offer as a compliment.
They try the easy marks first--you know, like money (all the money there is)
but who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery?
Money won't buy it.
Not much left to spend it on, eh Gramps?
--Getting too old to cut the mustard--

Well, "time hits the hardest blows" (especially below the belt).
How does a young body grab ya?
Like three card monty or the pea under the shell
((now you see it, now you don't))
haven't you forgotten something, Gramps?
In order to feel something you have to be there...
You have to be eighteen...
You're not eighteen...
You are seventy-eight.

Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Aw, they always try the easy ones first.
How about an "honorable bargain"?

"You always wanted to be a doctor, well, now's your chance."

"You could become a great healer and benefit humanity."

What's wrong with that?

Just About Everything.

There are no honorable bargains involving qualitative merchandise, like souls, for quantitative merchandise like time or money.

So...piss off, Satan, and don't take me for dumber than I look.

As an old junk pusher told me:

"Watch whose money you pick up."

-William S. Burroughs-
(spoken word material appears on Spare Ass Annie and Other Tales as well as Material's Hallucination Engine)

(used with permission)