"Cherry Sakura, I presume?"
"Oh my god! Rod?!? It is so neat to finally meet you!"
"Thanks. This looks like a fun group."
"Greg does a great shoot. Have you met him?"
"Not yet. I was hired on by ... Kerry? Kelly?"
"Yeah! Our own little mobster!" (laughs) "Well, you'll love Greg, he's a sweetheart."
"What's he like?"
"Did you ever see Waiting for Guffman?"
"Ye-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s ... says he with fear in his voice." (grins)
"Imagine if Corky really had as much talent as everyone seemed to think he did."
(laughing) "Okay. Hard to imagine! I should probably get to know his work."
"Oh! See Caribbean Cherry. Starring me! It was the greatest shoot. We spent two weeks on a little island called Grand Turk. It was totally a little slice of paradise."
"Waitaminute! He does location shoots?"
"Totally. It was great. I mean, it wasn't, like, movie star treatment, but it was so cool. And my husband got to go. We went snorkeling. The water was like glass."
"You guys had a two week shoot? I’ve never even heard of a two week shoot in the adult film business. For me, they would have just put up a poster of the beach and said 'pretend!'"
"I swear, he’s gonna be the Kurosawa of the porno industry. He’s really that good."
"So what is this that wardrobe has you in? I thought you were, like, a school girl ... or a ... sailor?"
"It's a school uniform. Like girls in Japan wear."
"Oh! Right right right! Like in The Grudge."
"And how about your monster suit? Pretty cool!"
"I feel a bit of a dork! I have to look like the world's most obscene Teletubby!"
(laughs) "But it is so cool! Like Beauty and the Beast ... only, like, the H. P. Lovecraft version."
(laughing) "Good God, that's sick! I read the Call of hock-PTUI-loo-loo years ago!"
(laughs) "Oh my God! They have a role-playing game from it now. My husband and I have a group over on Wednesday nights if you ever wanna ... oh, it's Greg. Hi Greg!" (waves)
"Well helLO you two! Andrew, I see you've met Kim."
"We did, but I guess we never got around to names."
(takes each actor by a shoulder) "Silly girl! Andrew Anderson, meet Kim McDowell nee Leong."
(shakes hands) "Great to meet you Kim."
"Oh me too! I thought you were so good in that pioneer thing."
"My god Andrew, I almost cried. Wagons Ho's should win every award, I'm serious. It was that good. How you took such a ... well, let's just say it could have been a terrible role. SHOULD have been a terrible role."
"Oh the director did not care a bit whatever we did."
"Dash Rasor? Oh PLEASE! He is such a hack!"
"Oh, I know, he was all like 'You don't need character, people are here to see...'" (thrusts hips and makes parody music) "Chukka-buccka-wow-waaahow!"
(all laugh)
"Oh GOD girlfriend, that is what I've heard about him. It's why his movies are so dreadful. So, I've never met him in person, give me a sketch."
"Okay, do you two watch the Simpsons?"
(both nod)
"Okay, imagine if Ned Flanders was trying to be all macho."
"Ewww ... too horrible. Depressing!"
"And his real name..."
(unison) "Yes?"
"Elmer Van Winkle. I kid you not at all!"
(all laugh)
"Alls I know is that blog you wrote while on the set." (kisses fingertips) "Mwah! Wonderful! Hilarious! You put in such a sensitive performance."
"Well, thanks. Say, I had a few questions about this script."
"Anything, that's what I'm here for! Also, I thought we could go over the fight while we're all together."
"Seriously professional, Greg."
"Well, I’m not Elmer Twinklebottom!" (laughs) "I want this to be as close to art as I can get!"
"I’m pretty impressed. And the producer lets you..."
"Oh, Kerry? He's the easiest producer I've ever worked with. Couldn't care what we are making, as long as we make money for his mob guys. He's been our producer on so many projects little Kimmie and I've worked on: Hot Hot Nights, Totally Cherry, Texas Hold Em, Caribbean Cherry...
"So, any scary stories? He ever make you an offer you couldn’t refuse??"
"Be serious Andrew! It is strictly business to these guys. We won't even see him. We make money, he applauds and takes us out to a fancy restaurant with our spouses. We lose money they write it off and they are like 'Better luck next time.' But we never lose money, so I don't even worry about that. We'll deal with Eleanor, the accountant. You’ll love her. Little old Hispanic grandma. About this tall—little tiny thing...so sweet. Very dyke-y, very kindly. You’ll love her."
"You know, I’m starting to think I am seriously outclassed here." (smiles)
"Andrew Anderson! We will have none of that sort of talk. Put those blue meanies in this bag!" (Pantomimes zipping up a bag and throwing it over his shoulder) "Why, when I met little Cherry Sakura here, she couldn’t even act!"
"For real?"
"Oh, it’s true! I was a dancer. I'm Greg’s biggest success story."
"Well, you and Emma. What name is she going by these days?"
"Hootie McBoob, last I heard."
"Oh, Emma is such a sweetie. Shy as a little kitten. Just like 'Hello ... I’m here to work. Let’s go...'" (laughs) "So where does that leave us? Blue meanies tucked safely away, and the script! That's right! It is kind of a weird script."
"I think it's brilliant. Weird, but brilliant. His husband wrote it."
"He has been on this utter and complete Thomas Pyncheon thing lately. Don't know what his deal is!" (a pause) "It's not too weird is it?"
"I don't think so. I enjoyed the Crying of Lot 49 but, you know what, it is a LOT like that."
"Oh, I'll tell him, he'll be so proud."
"But, I don't quite get it. I'm this big, tentacled alien, who falls in love with a Japanese schoolgirl."
"It's a total send-up of Japanese ah-NEE-MAY, you know, tentacle porn."
"Tentacle porn?"
"You know, some ugly monster comes down and grabs a cute little girl with his slimy tentacles and ... well, some if it gets pretty strange."
"Seriously?"
"Totally! Andrew, you didn't know about this?"
"Oh the geeks TOTALLY love it! Only, instead of big monster rogers cute girl and she likes it—we turn it upside down. Big monster tries, she fights him, she beats him, he falls in love with her. Actually..." (sighs) "...I wanted to do a Shakespeare parody, some kind of a Midsummer Night's Dream or Tempest parody, but NO! Clyde had to have his Pyncheon thing. And our producers wanted Beauty and the Beast."
"Oh I totally called that, Greg! You know. I totally love the Bard. We should do a Shakespeare sometime.
"Of course!"
"All I can say for certain is that I must have not seen much Japanese cartoons. I mean, like Speed Racer, and my wife watches this ... InuYaksha show or something."
"Oh YES! Strictly family stuff, but you know, in Japan, that tentacle porn stuff is big business."
"Okay, so in this scene, I come into her kitchen, grab her and we fight. She beats the crap out of me." (a brief pause) "Okay, then she falls in love with me and in the next scene, she's kissing it better all over my body. I think I don't get it."
"Oh sure. I told Clyde how obscure this was. See, he has this idea of ... like Genghis Khan from space. You know: 'Hello Marcus Aurelius, I am here to conquer you. Only if you can defeat me in combat will I respect you.' Like that. She beats you and you are like 'I love you.'"
"Okay, maybe that's not so obscure. So, what are we doing with this fight?"
"Think Buster Keaton, I want to make it very slapstick. See, you spy her tiny little hiney in her white cotton panties and you go 'Ooh boy! I'd like to get me some of that!'"
"And she whacks me with a rock?"
"You know, Greg, I don't quite get that either. Why does my character have a rock in the kitchen."
"Oh, I don't know, it's a souvenir of a trip, or maybe a paperweight."
"Maybe I'm really into crystals."
"Okay ... but...what if we had --- like, a skillet hanging over the range there. She could line up and --- PANG!!!! Right in the head."
"Okay, okay, how's about I grab TWO pans!" (pantomimes swinging at Andrew) "THOK! DOCK! POCK!"
"Oh yes ... Love it ... very Stooges!"
"So then Kim goes for the coop de grassy with ..." (looking around) "Kim, grab that toaster..." (a pause) "Oooh ... oh. I have a thought."
"Yes?"
"Oh GOD! What is in your deviant little mind?"
"Okay, she grabs the toaster—here hold it with the slot vertical ... what might a horny space monster think about THAT?"
"Oh you wicked boy!" (laughs uncontrollably) "You really ARE sick!"
"I totally love that, Andrew!"
"God. It's wonderful Andrew. O-o-o-o-h Derek!!!"
(running up) "Yeah boss?"
"Okay. We'll need two toasters. Doesn't matter if they work or not, but they have to be identical. Or enough so that they will look the same on camera."
"Easy."
"We'll need to hollow one out and put ... oh, some kind of appliance in it so that Mr. Hardman here can hump it convincingly."
"Sure thing boss!" (looks at the actors) "Ain't the strangest thing he ever axed me to do."
"I'm sure! Now scoot! Go!"
"Okay, so he's humping my toaster..." (giggles) "...maybe I could put it down here, like I'm thinking maybe he's not so bad afterall.
"Do that. Get in position. I want to see ... Oh! That's good! He's so tall, we can get all artsy with the composition on that shot." (long pause) "Oh! What if it's still plugged IN?!"
(much laughter)
"And it..." (laughs) "...shocks..." (gasps for breath) "...your tool!"
(much laughing)
"Okay ... okay...so ZAP! Our monster flies across the room, we get our computer nerds to put in a lightning effect and we cut to you, laying there, crank smoking..."
"And that's when I look up at Kim and say 'I love you.'"
"Oh! Or we could sneak something in from Shakespeare! Greg, do you think that would be okay!"
"Of course...Like what?"
(pauses)"Okay, I'm sitting in a corner, smoke pouring from my lap, and I look meaningfully up at 'Cherry' and go like 'You are the stuff DREAMS are made of.'"
"Yes! Love it! But made on, dear."
"Better still!"
"Greg, Clyde isn't going to mind how we've changed his script will he?"
"Frankly dear Kimmy, I don't give a damn! Okay, if you two want to get a soda. Or there are some sandwiches in the kitchen. It'll probably take an hour or so to fix up the toaster, set up the lights and then ... rehearse and roll em!
"I'm totally psyched about this project."
"Yeah, this is going to be good. I don't even feel like an obscene Teletubby anymore. Much."
"Obscene Teletubby! LOVE it! So, Andrew, what are you going to say in your blog about this?"
"I'll need a title worthy of this evil stuff."
"Ha! Or you could call it 'Miss Sakura's Tentacle Porn Lesson.'"
"Oh! Or you could totally put like 'If This is What he Meant by Tentacle Porn, Why is my Dick in This Toaster?!'"
(all laugh)
"It'll come to you—but you must write about it. The world needs to be warned about the day that Tentacle Man stuck his dick in the toaster!"
Posted for PornQuest 2006 by way of LateQuest 2007