this
belief. i don't want to just toss it out without thinking.
but i've
thought. i've thought for so long. and i've cried and i've sought guidance
and i've looked for the
saving grace and i couldn't find anything--
save for a note stapled to a blank
notebook which read,
"here is
truth."
i want this more than anything. this feeling of belonging. and
i can hear all these beautiful songs, these beautiful phrasings these
beautiful hearts bleeding forth their eternal wisdom
and i simply turn away because i can't face that peace.
i faced it once, i stared into the empty, gnawing chasm of this release
and i gave it everything...
..and it gave me nothing in return.
i don't want to do this. feeling it's wrong yet still insisting in the
intuition that it might be right. somehow i want to know.
why can't i know?
i am nothing and you are so great...i guess. i want to feel this way:
h u m b l e.
i want you to strike me down and set me upon my knees and just
demonstrate your awesome power to me and teach me so many lessons.
so why won't you? why have i spent my whole life in perfect
training for your purpose when you don't even choose to interact
in my strange little life? these flowing and ever growing tides of
doubt within me have washed me off the shore i once clung to
so depserately in faith.
and i'm so afraid. afraid i might be wrong in something that i feel
is so right. it's a feeling of death before dying.
so go on and sing and preach and tell me what it is i'm doing wrong.
i would so appreciate it, though, if instead you chose to show
me this marvelous being and this supernatural power
that i somehow managed to overlook my entire life.
this odd rant used to be elsewhere...but i moved it here because it made more sense...