January 10, 2003 (idea)

i want to share my story and to mark the passing of my grandmother who i called nana.

she lived on an island and was fiercely proud of her independance, even in her later years when her health forced her to move to a care home, she was determined never to be one of the old people who sit downstairs and watch tv all day. recently however, her mobility failed her and her spirits took a down turn. she had been ill with a stomach bug which she seemed to be recovering from, i spoke to my father last night who had decided to go and visit her as soon as possible, it sounded like she had been ill but was through the worst of it and on the mend. perhaps that's what i hoped, i don't know.

this morning i spoke to my sister, she had also spoken to our father this morning. she had got the impression that nana wasn't well at all and possibly wasn't long for this world. she was tired of it all. after that phonecall, i sat back and shut my eyes. i called to mind pictures from my childhool of summer holidays spent there, my most recent memories of her when we visited last year. i did what i often do when i know of someone far away who i can't help physically, i packaged up a bunch of notions such as my love and respect for her, my memories of happy times and the strength and lucidity for her to know her own mind and have the strength to take control of her life with the knowledge of how her choices would affect her sons and their family. i see all of this in my mind as some form of energy then i sent it to her with an image of myself as a young child giving her a hug in the market garden she used to run.

i was just told by my mother that she died this morning. as best i can reckon it, she died within a few minutes of my doing all this. i'm happy for her as i know she wasn't happy with her life, she never wanted to be an old person, she'll be buried next week next to her husband, i hope i can be there.

i'm not sure why i'm posting all of this here, i'm not looking for answers, i just wanted to share my story. thanks for reading.