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Yo Wilson,
have to tell you about halfwit admin assistant upstairs. She is weird and psycho and I have it on good authority that at some company party or another she put her arm around the waist of my (female, short-haired, but decidedly hetero) boss and said “I’d really like to get together sometime.” Which was weird for many reasons, not least being that my boss is very high-ranking and the halfwit admin is a halfwit admin. OK so. Today I had to let her know about a meeting that was going onto her boss’s calendar as an FYI only.
Gruner: I’m just calling to warn you it’s FYI only. I’m about to send out the confirmation email with the details.
Halfwit: Well, I’d better write it in his calendar right now. What is this meeting?
G: Well, it’s all in the email.
H: No, you’d better give me all the information. (We go through process of detailing meeting info—three minutes of idiocy)
G: And remember this is FYI only. He doesn’t need to attend. But I’ll still send you a copy of the confirmation.
H: How am I going to know it’s only FYI?
G: Well, that’s what I’m calling to tell you.
H: Well, you’d better write a note at the bottom telling me it’s FYI only. Otherwise I’ll put it on his calendar again and he’ll think he has to go to it.
G (giving up): Okay, sure will. (in fact I take her name off the email entirely.)

Then I had to call her later to get room numbers for a couple of meeting locations. Had to absolutely baby her through it:
G: Do you see a meeting on his calendar from 1 to 3 today?
H: No. Well, there’s a staff meeting from 1 to 3.
G: That’s it, what’s the location? (she tells me) Okay, is there a meeting for 4 to 6 today?
H: Well, you know, there’s so many meetings, I just can’t tell you what’s there unless you’re looking for a specific meeting by name.
G: Um, you can’t tell me whether he has a meeting for 4:00 today?
H: No. Well, he has a project meeting from 4 to 6 today.
G: Yes, that’s it.

Argh! Argh! On top of this I just had extended debate with woman in office directly across the hall about the spelling of my name. Not my last name, Wilson, my first name. She was trying to send me email that did not go through. She called me in to her office, helpless. I looked at her screen and said, You need a T in there, and an N. (Blank look.) It’s Stephanie, with a T and a N. You have Sephaie. No response! She just looked at me. I tried from the beginning, You need to fix the spelling of Stephanie...I spelled it for her—more blank looks—more discussion—finally I walked away, trusting that this woman, who earns three times my salary, would figure it out on her own.
more later. have to go on killing spree.

Gruner –
If you ever come down from your clocktower, I thought you would like to get a taste of Goldman’s email to me:

I will definitely get you the numbers of good shrinks as soon as I possibly can. I consider the situation an emergency. Not because I suspect you’re suicidal or anything, but because you’re killing me. I never know from one conversation to the next whether I’m gonna get the funny, relatively intact Wilson or the quasi-vegetable Wilson. Not to make you feel guilty or anything. It’s just that at this point I need to consider my own mental health, and a good dose of happy pills for you would probably make a difference in my life.

Hope you enjoy. May have to come up with my own religious cult and impose isolation of self in conjunction with various soothing and cleansing rituals. Perhaps could create some sort of religious sanctuary in Dad’s backyard. On a somewhat unrelated topic, how do you guys know I like you? Lack of verbal abuse? The fact that I have life to my tone when I speak to you? The fact that I speak to you at all?
Life is futile

OK Wilson,
Do not for any reason tell me Goldman’s first name. I have now found out it starts with G. Am having horrified fantasies of what it might be. No clues. I do not want to think of him as anything but Goldman.
Yes, he writes good email. That is the true test of character, isn’t it? Are you any closer to Prozac? I am worried about side effects. I don’t know what they are, but I fear for your health. Do you think I have been exposed to the quasi-vegetable Wilson?
Religious cult: I am allllll for this idea. Please reply with details, belief system, materials used in sanctuary, etc.
Still not sure you do like me, but hopeful. Frequent email is a good sign, right?
Over and out