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Hey Wilson,
Am just back from a most hilarious visit to the optometrist. (Second visit in two days.) Must first tell you about yesterday’s visit—my first to that office. It is a tiny (like 8’ x 8’) one-room, one-person affair tucked away on 9th floor of large office building, with barely enough space for examining chair, equipment, desk, file cabinets, and truly miniscule lab—size of Manhattan kitchen (I’m talking 2’ x 3’, tops). I assumed Dr. did not have frames on the premises until he indicated cabinet in one corner which he said contained all his frames. Cabinet is perhaps 3 feet high by 2 feet long. However, I withheld judgment until actually seeing the frame collection. OK, so today, hilarity began when someone rang the doorbell to his office and Dr. stepped into the hall to talk to her. (Since there is no room for a third person in the office.) Conversation went like this:
Woman: Well, I’m just shopping for new glasses, but it doesn’t look like you have any here…
Doctor: Oh no, I have probably THE largest collection of frames.
(I am barely controlling my rude snorts of laughter)
Woman (obviously flabbergasted): HERE?
Doctor: Oh yes.
Woman: Well…I’ll come back when there’s more…room.
Anyway, after my exam he invited me to look at frames, but quickly said he didn’t have anything like the glasses I had on, in fact had very few plastic frames. "I’ve been trying for years to get some plastic frames, but nobody is making them any more! Only metal!" Again I forced back squawks of laughter. He pulled out his entire collection of NINE plastic frames—all hideous—all pastel tortoiseshell type, huge round and square things like the kind I was forced to wear in childhood—with dreadful gold filigree at sides—very cliché Long Island Jewess-looking—it was amaaaaaazing! Massive, post-facelift full facial coverage models. Of course they’re very ironically stylish (not that he would know this) but I could get them for 25 cents at the Goodwill if I wanted. And as I explained to him, with my special-needs prescription, they would be a good inch thick at the edge with that kind of diameter. Still he had the nerve to tell me one of them would look good on me! Needless to say, I did not allow any of them on my face! Kept telling him I had already picked out frames I wanted, but he kept telling me that his distributor told him such glasses did not exist. He kept asserting "IF there was such a frame, they would know about it. They deal with just about everything in the US and most of the world as well." However, with further prodding he was induced to tell me that there was in fact a limited list of frame companies that his distributor bastards would deal with. I wheedled him out of his list so I could take it back to my own office and photocopy it. There is no way I am going to traipse around town trying on another 923 pairs of glasses just to be told they do not exist. Overall, was amazed that people like this Dr. survive passage of years. Felt like taking him on a field trip to LensCrafters or something. Can’t even imagine how one of those hipster spectacles boutiques would blow his mind with their CRAZY PLASTIC FRAMES that don’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, he was perfectly nice, just totally befuddled. Left the office feeling more concern for him than for myself! Nice change of pace.
O & O
Gruner


Gruner –
You are a very lucky girl to have such a freak for an optometrist. I could only hope for such a maladjusted health worker in my life. Frames sound gloriously hideous! Good luck getting the frames you want. Are you just going to pay for them out of pocket?
Mike just came in and was telling me about a client, Mary Murphy, he visited yesterday. She started out the visit by reading him scriptural flashcards. She then proceeded to read him hymns from a Pennsylvania Dutch hymnal. This was followed by an actual singing of the hymns. After this, she read him an Ann Landers column detailing how to take care of a headache by using industrial strength duct tape to tape banana peels to one’s forehead and neck. She ended the reading by saying, "I just had to cut that out and share it with you." The pièce de résistance was when she told Mike how her sister-in-law had killed her brother and was trying to kill her. Ms. Murphy was forced to "hire the KBG to stop her." Yes, the KBG. Visit ended with the Ms. Murphy giving Mike a small plastic instamatic camera that takes panoramic photos.
Over and Out
Wilson


Wilson,
Good god. I wish I worked with pleasant deluded people, instead of infants in suits.
Ack. Phoned optometrist again to see if he would make up another style of glasses for me. I no longer like him. Antiquated jerk gave me runaround. Refused to order my frames. Told me AGAIN he has largest selection of frames in his office. I just love it when people say something like that and don’t qualify it. Largest selection on the 9th floor of 700 Market Street, south side, east corner...MAYBE. Anyway I said very sternly, “Dr. Albert, I looked at your selection and I did not find anything suitable, and that’s final.” He said “Well if you insist on wearing some odd pair of frames that nobody has ever heard of, then you’re on your own.” I said, “Yes I do insist, since they are going to be on my face.” (Also pointed out to him that frame maker was on his ‘covered’ list, so he could not very well tell me he had never heard of them.) Clearly he fears bringing new frames into his world. No matter. Have found another person who wishes to be paid to make glasses for me like a reasonable optometrist should. Will keep you updated.
Gruner