First fortune cookie read: "It's nice to be remembered, but it's far cheaper to be forgotten." The fuck does that mean?
Children rule the world, really. They get most anything they want, and so much of media and events and public perception caters to a digestible and innofensive family friendly model, so that we can continue to preserve their innocent little world and extend their finite immortality for as long as possible. These are not new thoughts or observations, even for me and certainly not for the reader. The point I'm getting to is that I oscillate between an understanding of how precious our children are, that we ought to accomodate them and their rosy colored view of the world, to let them live in their little paradisiacal minds before they have to succumb to the adult world with all the rest of us, and a bitterness of how thankless a task it is and how the other side of the coin always falls on the parents or the older siblings or the strangers on the bus minding their own damn business. No doubt I'd have a better attitude if I had a child of my own. To be a parent of any child is to be a parent of all children...I assume. I didn't take on that responsibility though, nor did I paint myself into a corner. I just shut everyone out of my life or else I didn't let them in to begin with. When you see the complexity of all things the way I do, it's easier to keep it together by simplifying my lifestyle as much as possible...I assume.
I'm wasting a lot of time. And nobody can tell me that, it's my time and I'm the only one who has a say in whether or not I'm wasting it. I still live in the fear of condescending peers and relatives who see nothing in me but wasted potential. They haven't walked a mile in my shoes...but they're not totally wrong either. I am overflowing with excuses. I'll take the first opportunity to back out of something, to not try. I still have a long way to go where that's concerned. But I'll give myself credit for one area in which I've dramatically improved: I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore. Yeah maybe I have no coping skills. Yeah maybe there's a lot of things swept under the rug. Yeah maybe there are days where I'm so obsessed and overwhelmed by the big picture that I let all the little things that make up the day go to rot, and I don't really have anyone in my life that I can open up to about it. But even if I can't or simply don't do anything about it, I refuse to pity myself, and I refuse to expect or attempt to milk anyone else's pity either. You can get lost down there. It can drag out the process to where even if you find a way out of the situation you won't be able to take it. Pity makes misery more comforting. Makes it easier to stay within misery. Don't fall for it. Might sound a little trite, but don't give in without a fight.
I need people, I don't need people. I need sex, I don't need sex. I need to connect and to relate, I can't so I don't. I need money, I don't. I need purpose and goals, I only need distractions. I need to learn, I need to unlearn. I need to procreate to pass on my legacy, I need to break the cycle of everything I've inherited. I need to live I need to die I need to make up my mind. Like I said, not new thoughts or observations. Not even reflections. I guess it just helps to put it out there. To take what's already understood and make it a tangible part of living. I always mean to impress with just about everything I publish here, but I should really learn to just help myself. Or to see what I can get away with.
Eating leftovers in a big empty house. These dogs are easy to take care of. The older one is bad in a storm. Their internet was down most of the day. No short attention span accomodation for me. Books, DVDs, masturbation, laundry...took enough unpaid leave at work that I can't take advantage of the resources around here that I wouldn't have at home. Many nice restaurants close to here. But nope. Discipline. Focus. Making two half-sized paychecks stretch out for a rainy month. I feel like I can be myself when I'm alone. I just don't get what I want is all. That's fine. I'm not a child. Don't I know it. Second fortune cookie read: "Be willing to give the extra effort that separates the winner from the one in second place." Yeah. I can make sense of that.