"Welcome to your life. There's no turning back."
Had another dream about her. It was a nice day, but by the end of it in the late afternoon, in a house resembling my grandparents' in Oklahoma, I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to move in to her space, be close enough to touch, just to show her what she meant to me. I guess I wanted to be with her. She seemed like she didn't want to be bothered.
Coming to realize I have a lot of problems in dealing with judgment. I think a lot of it comes from my nuclear family, from being the baby of that family. They could be so pretentious and condescending and judgmental in their own ways. I know they thought highly of me, still do, that they want the best for me and there were just so many things they thought that I was above. But still, I've underestimated how damaging that judgment has been for me and my sense of privacy and confidence. I've grown into such a self-conscious person, so reclusive. I find it almost impossible to really be myself or feel myself unless I'm alone, or at least unless I've pushed everyone out and made my own sense of space.
This is what led me on a spiritual journey to find a god who was not looking down upon me with judgment. To believe that judgment was a fault if not a sin of humanity, and that along with prejudice and vengeance and greed and so many other ugly human things, that judgment is something left behind as part of our transcendence into the afterlife. But I'm not there yet. And it's still not easy to be myself any time I feel like I'm being observed. Which is, of course, all the time.
Coming to realize that the more I'm able to open myself up to any given person, the easier it is for them to hurt me, even unintentionally. Seems like a straightforward logical concept but it's only just now sinking in. It's a little hard to not let that dissuade me from letting anyone in. But Hood told me that to love is to feel pain. And Ryan told me don't give up on love. I look up to these people. I guess I'll choose to learn to live with being delicate.
Coming to realize that I haven't shaken off the case of escapism I picked up when I was a teenager. I've ceased to use mind altering chemicals as a way of feeding that need the way I did when I was younger. But the need itself hasn't been reduced, especially since moving back to the place I was living when I was in high school. The place where that seed first grew. You can't underestimate the things that happen to you in your adolescence. That time when nothing seems to matter? When you're basically invulnerable and you can get away with almost anything? Those days set a template for the rest of your life. It can be altered, changed, it will change naturally without your consent in some ways. But in a lot of ways the person you become in those days really establishes the person you'll continue to be in a time when the stakes are raised, when priorities shift, and when it becomes more and more difficult to make changes.
Coming to realize that I have a real problem with authority. That it's not easy for me to be under someone's thumb, taking orders from a moron. But it's hard to imagine making a living any other way. It just feels like I've barely been able to find any kind of work to do that doesn't have me muttering to myself after a few months that I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more.
Coming to realize that I don't think I was meant to dedicate myself to any one thing. That I'm prone to wander. I don't just love to travel, to constantly explore other places and to fuel my desire in order to escape. I need it.
Coming to realize that I'm in a worse place in my life than I think I am. It's easy enough for me to tell myself oh, I've been through so much worse than this. I need to count my blessings and be gracious and this isn't so bad. But no. I've been here for too long.
Coming to realize that I actually no seriously do need to get out of here.
Coming to realize that I still have a lot of dissonance inside. Everything in my waking life seems to be telling me that I need to try harder. That I need to push forward, to be confident. But my dreams are all telling me not to try so hard. Care less. Let go. Maybe I'm confusing my past with my future. Maybe there isn't a difference. Echoes always take the same shape, regardless of the patterns of time.
Coming to realize that I can't make anybody want anything. I can't keep anybody's attention. My only options are to work within the limitations of the medium, or to choose to let it be. This means abandonment. Letting go of all grand schemes, all visions and aspirations of evil genius and grand conquest. I guess it means growing up.
The second dream I had about her was more calm, warm, simple. We shared a meal together. The universally necessary human activity that's done so much to connect us to one another over time. She was relaxed, she felt safe. She didn't want anything. Niether did I. As I was driving home I heard the sun whisper to me "I'm dying." Yeah, so am I. So is everything. But I didn't say anything.