This text is written in the hope that it will help those who frequent men's
rest rooms. It is not meant to be a guide to end all guides, rather I have written this to address the most frequently encountered
situations in men's rest rooms, and as a starting point for those interested in proper use of men's rest rooms. If there is sufficient demand I will write a follow up. Please send all error reports and comments to goatattack@mac.com. Thank you.
1. Waste no time. This vital. Walk in, do your business. Wash your hands. Walk out. A rest room's functioning is directly dependent on the efficiency of the men using it. For as long as they have existed, men's rooms have prided themselves to be far superior to women's rooms because of their greater speed. Don't ruin it for the rest of us.
2. Speech is your enemy. Never, ever, under any circumstance say a single word while within a bathroom. Not to a friend, not to a lover not to Jesus himself. Not only does this grate against all good things and the way of nature, it ruins the efficiency of the bathroom.
Take this example: Steven walks into the bathroom and unzips himself. While he is relieving himself his best friend Eddy walks in. They strike up a conversation about unix and pretty soon, loose track of time.
So there they are, standing at the urinals, discussing the advantages of open source developement. Well, Sammy walks in and he desperately needs to take a piss. But he can't, the two chatter bugs are there in front of the urinals laughing it up. So, he runs to the only toilet only to discover that someone has missed the toilet with their monster loaf and now he's standing knee deep in butt pudding.
Sammy does the only thing he can do, he pukes all over the place, while at the same time unleashing a torrent of kidney juice in his pants.
Steve and Eddy automaticly turn around to see what all the fuss is about. So far not a problem right? WRONG! It turns out that our old friends have not finished relieving themselves and they spray each other, the floor, and the soap dispenser with filtered mountain dew. Well, they do what comes naturally to any man in this situation and begin to toss cookies.
So there they are, three guys puking, and pissing all over the floor. When they finish they simultaneously make a mad dash for the sink. Well of course only one person can use a sink at a time so it eventually degenerates into a fight. Eddy manages to kill them both and begins to clean himself up.
The security guard hears all the noise and decides to take a look. The poor guy takes just a peek and he knows he's gonna need backup. So to make a long story short the cops are called in and a sniper paints the walls with Eddy's brain.
Now a biohazard team is called in to clean things up. They obviously need to close down the bathroom so all the men are forced to either soil themselves or go to another building. Two guys meet and they start a conversation. Repeat. This eventually leads to the destruction of organized society as we know it. Don't end the world.
3. Never make eye contact. This could be seen as a proposition and could result in an unwanted beating or a sexual encounter that will put you into a therapist's chair for a long, long time. This also runs against everything we've ever been taught.
So there you have it folks, now go out and empty those bladders.
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11.30.00
Reformatted the text to make it easier on the eyes. Replace "torrent of yellow liquid" with "torrent of kidney juice"