Sperm Competition
OR
Everyone Really is a Winner
This race doesn't start at the sound of a gun, although projectile imagery is quite appropriate and welcome. It all comes down to this... there are no practice runs; well, there are, but either way, upwards of 200 million possible lives are extinguished each time duty calls, false alarm or not.
It all starts as a twinge fired from the sympathetic nervous system to the spinal nerves,which cause an intense spinal reflex via the pudendal nerve, known to the French as la petite mort, or “the little death”.
What does that mean for us down here in the gonads, you ask? It means all hell breaks loose, 'code red,' 'code red,'Elvis has left the building! I know you are new around here, you fresh little haploid you... don't look so god damn green! I'm telling you, when that alarm goes off, these walls around you – you do know that we are in the vas deferens right – they are going to squeeze together with a lot of force, and we are going to be squirted like toothpaste right outta the tube! Here is the secret... if you get a chance boy, swing by one of the seminal vesticles, and grab some of that seminal fluid... that stuff, that is our nitrous oxide boy, our NOS, it might just be the boost you need to acquire and make contact with the target.
Dang it boy, what do you mean, have you been through this before? Of course not! Weren't you listening?! This is a ONE shot deal... One shot! I hear that that is the price they pay for being able to pee standing up, but that is a whole new can o' worms. Yes I know I'm getting old, I've been in here for 3 days now... tell me about a lifetime boy, you would not believe the things I've seen. I am getting old, and although I might not make it, that is why I'm telling you all this, maybe you will make it. I'm not taking you under my flagella for nothing, hear?
You, dear reader, should feel quite good about yourself. After all, the mere fact that you are reading this suggests that you have overcome astronomical odds.
You triumphed in the race of all races. One to 200 million odds. When that call sounded, half of your potential chromosomes, in the form of a spermatozoa beat out the rest of all the sperm. You were that champion sperm. That is an incredible victory. If you can dominate in the race of all races, the race of potential existence, this life should be a cakewalk. When are you ever going to face adversity like that again?
Go on... pat yourself on the back,
after all,
you were conceived.