grabbing your heart so tightly you can feel it almost break with clenched fist nerves wrapped around all of you. walking away from a place, something that stopped being a home, does not feel like 'everything i've ever known' or 'everyone i've been close to all my life', because it changed, and i only know it was supposed to. i am not sad, in that.
she came to me, all torn flesh and broken, at a time where
i felt my entire existence faltering, and we held eachother together then. somehow niether of us really came out of it the same, and i wish to but cannot say that either of us were perfect friends, but our souls are crossed, forever, and i love her so intensely that sometimes it
hurts and it rips me apart.
but look at me, i'm standing on my own now, on my own. i have so many reasons and would you believe that i can hold you in my head just as well now as i ever have?
i don't know how it's going to be when i see you again, i anticipate
it will be awkward at best. i do not blame you for being angry, for not understanding why i couldn't exist there. you told me to go with a voice drenched in
you have to stay. i didn't forget how you helped me but i also can't forget how you drift. drift when our heads clash, how you couldn't find it in yourself enough to stop doing things that made me worry about you, left me sitting in my room or
wandering around dark nights trying to find you.
have you any idea how many tears i've had for you, still have for you, how much i love you? how much i worry and hope you will make the right choices, that your "i'll be fine"'s, as harsh and insistant as they were, are
true.
i know you can stand on your own, i know i can, now. i still fall, sometimes, i always will, and when i do i remember everything we shared.. and yes, i am beyond saddened that it seems to have fallen away. in case you were wondering, yes, i still think about you every day, i am not having
the time of my life and forgetting that you are. that
any of you are, breathing living and far from me, for the time being. i do not forget, and how badly i needed this space, i can't even begin to express..
i still need it.
i don't know where to stay
in limbo i am lost, not just mentally anymore, this is physical and i am lost because i don't know where "home" is.. i don't know who my home is with, because there is
not a single person on earth whom has shown me they are willing to, in this moment, stare into my face and tell me that it is with them, always, and would i please, stay with them,
forever.