August 25, 2000 (idea)

i wonder about the state of the universe
when i can walk and see such beautiful
things and think such terrible thoughts,
all directed towards myself as if i
deserve the self abuse, and i implore..
i am smarter than this. i can fix it.
it will just take some time.

I feel like I'm dumping all of my problems on you, a lot, but you're so good to talk to and it just spills from my head so easily. I just want to say, that if you ever get sick of hearing my crap, and just want me to shut up.. tell me please. I don't ever want to be an annoyance. Thank you for listening, it means a lot to me..

they talked about me at work today,
she said, her and friends, people
that i went to school with for most
of my life and she has now clashed
with that whole portion of my life.
it is more than strange but i think
that i like it. he.. used to make
jokes at my expense, little nothings
compared to the torment i endured
from others. he told her, today, to
pass along to me that he is sorry
if he ever made me feel bad. he
could remember the times they made
me cry at school.. it made me smile.
i thought i had been the only one who
noticed how horribly they treated me.
i was wrong, so perfectly wrong.

                 
               i've been invited to several
                  varying locations this weekend
               but may choose to bother with
            none of them, simply because i
               don't know if i'm strong enough
              to face possible confrontation.
            this is stupid, i know.. i can
                  fix it too. need more time.

It would seem that sometimes I can't articulate the thoughts, the cruel ones that is, that float around in my head concerning myself. I think this is because they are so stupidly false that they shouldn't even exist. I'll push them out, yet..

You, you always seem to make me forget.. you make me slip back into the somewhat logical portion of my thought'y matter. For this, I am grateful because I've been slipping lately, just a little more and more but.. undone it shall be, some time, I'm sure of it. I can't say, can't tell most people the thoughts I've been having or the way I feel towards myself because they wouldn't understand and I do realize that it is in my head, and only I can fix it.

           "only YOU can prevent forest fires."

Thanks, Smokey.