lately i've spent a great deal of time scribbling aimlessly into a notebook i purchased for such purposes. little falls out of my head that is not simply a lot of melancholic garbage and i know this is partly due to the sun and its insistence on leaving me again. i feel as though i am engaged in a distinctly one-sided and agonizing relationship with the sun gods. clearly it is a yearly occurrence for me to slip gradually into this frame of mind.
i am aware. it doesn't cease the progression from relatively sane individual to this mess of a person so broken down by a seeming lack of vitamin d and ambition that i can hardly see the sun when it does show itself for all the possibility and doubt streaming down my face.
sometimes i sit in empty parking lots with an empty page in front of me and
pens with no ink. i've been going to movies by myself and i wonder why this seems strange to anyone. i am hardly useful in social situations at the best of times and now i am either angry or inconsolably drowning in what is more than likely
exaggerated misery.
all of this being said i applied to school yesterday, finally, after much delay and my particular brand of procrastination. now i need to focus on completing several admission requirements including an advanced health care professional level CPR certification prior to January 2010.
i'm not sure i know how to love anyone, anymore. this strikes me as most unfortunate however i find it difficult to commit myself in any way to another human for any length of time. i am sure i spent a large portion of my late teens being terrified i'd never find someone willing to commit to me. now i realize i am that person. that isn't to say i can't love at all, i do love, i love lots of things and people. however, if you think you're going to make me fall in love with you to the point that i am so enamoured of your presence that i won't know what to do when you're not around anymore -
think again, sir.
i spent the entire morning painting, and then i read
something written by
someone for whom i have harboured a distinct and
scarcely sensible fondness. it made me realize that i do love autumn despite myself and the cold creeping in. and i've always loved the rain. so, i suppose all one can do is take a deep breath and listen to
thick as a brick, maybe dig out the extra blankets. maybe switch to
zeppelin if tull isn't doin' it for you.
we'll make it through
this one too, i'm sure.