just feel too much lately. i know it's too much because i run out of any place for it all to go and it spills out in peculiar ways. peculiar places.

i don't feel like anyone else cares at all and i know it's just because no one should care as much as i seem to currently. it's too hard on a person. it just seems to eat up all of my energy and mental resources. i have this feeling in my stomach like unsettled nervous energy is collecting there for some reason. why always in the stomach? it's this particular physical symptom that bothers me the most.

i feel this urge to be around people as i'm sure this would help me to forget that i am a mess. on the other hand, it is very difficult to be around anyone at all because it seems such an effort to push it all down. or at least an effort to present as a normal functioning human being. less than a month ago, i could breathe. less than a month ago, i could cope.

the doctor couldn't find my blood pressure today, it took a really long time and then she said it seemed so faint. i found that mildly amusing because i feel like i am less than a whole person when i am this way. like i am a sort of shell creature. head is full of a bunch of unorganized emotion and thought that amounts to very little substance in the end.

i want to be able to handle this more appropriately. (whatever that means) i also want to be able to explain myself without sounding insane. i feel wholly incapable of accomplishing anything in the way of meaningful progress.

so, we meet again. can't get away from yourself, in the end. it makes me feel as though i should come with some sort of disclaimer. or at the very least, an apologetic note.