It is.. very cold here, I could see my
forced breath in the air as I walked alone, always alone. It was almost biting, the way I had to
pull my jacket close around me (as the zipper has been broken for some time), I suppose it was just a reminder wasn't it? You'll throw at me
whatever it is you know I truly want and that is what I wanted, I know it is, I wanted to walk in the cold and feel,
just feel something,
intensely.
I've a thing with the way
poplar leaves flutter and there was one such tree at the beginning of the darkening,
beautifully haunting path (it is this way solely in the evenings when the leetle
bats swoop quietly overhead). I'd failed to notice it there, up until tonight. I stood completely still but for blinking eyes, and looked up at it, watched the leaves
and my breath.. thought maybe it was meant as a way to console, comfort the disheartening thoughts I've been having all day and especially this evening. It didn't work, I remember thinking before I realized that
I hadn't wanted it to comfort me in the slightest. The leaves were almost brittle from the cold and seemed more to clash against eachother rather than flutter and flow in
dreamy little ripples.
The overwhelming
doubt tends to subside at the point when it is realized that it existed only because I'd wanted it to, and for no other reason. The doubt is something to hold onto because everything else is so
fickle, so frail, it could
cease to be just as easily as it might have started. It's not something I want to hold onto, though.. and it was abandoned just then under the tree, in the cold where I was so alone and finally I knew that there is no way around possible failure of any one thing, but
assuming that
nothing will ever be as it should is not the way I'd like to spend my living time in the universe.