Calling Your Ex-Girlfriends expecting a nice friendly day together is a bad idea.
I called
my -ex today. I've been trying to get ahold of
her since Thrusday of last week, just to say "
Hi", but I couldn't catch her in, so I thought, and thought, and
thought. I ended up
dwelling upon the idea of spending a nice day with her, doing something nice and platonic, nothing spooky, or
rushed, or anything, just a friendly movie and pizza, or the like.
So today I get ahold of her (I called from work). I ask if she wants to do something
tomorrow afternoon or evening.
"
I don't think I can, I'm busy. I think I'm going swimming tomorrow."
Swimming!?
Since when do people swim at
night?
I know, I know, it's something people do, called and excuse, I'm not
stupid.
But that's the point,
I'm not stupid (at least, not
that stupid). I'm not dumb enough to accept "swimming" as a valid excuse for not doing something with me.
So she goes on to say that she'll be busy untill school gets out, with finals coming up, and the summer coming on soon. That's what really bugs me, she
obviously doesn't want to see me, and hasn't for a while (I've been trying to
hang out with her for about a month, something always comes up, or I can't get a hold of her...
something). She just doesn't want to see me.
So why the
hell does she say something like "summer is coming up", which leads me to think that, come summer, she'll spend some time with me.
Why do
girls do this shit?
Why does she do this
shit?
(As I type this her dorm-mate just logged into AOL-Instant Messanger under her name, my heart jumps at an immense coincidence, and I slap myself for being such a pathetic human being.)
The bottom line is this: I'm not looking to get back together with this
girl, I just want to be friends, because she is
special, and she makes me feel special, and we have good conversations, and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
Earlier tonight, I wrote her an
e-mail, it basically said:
"I'm getting the distinct impression that you really hate me. If I'm wrong, so be it, please forgive me.
If not, just tell me so, tell me what I did, and tell me to leave you the hell alone alone. Don't think I'm angry, I'm just confused as to how things went from "Friends is
better" to "Friends means I'll never call, and don't bother calling me". I'm just
worried about losing something good, because I really do
like to hang out with you, it's fun."
I asked her just to email me back, just to say "
piss off" or "don't be so
dramatic".
I doubt I'll get any
reply at all.
Here are some of the things I've been writing in my physical daylog (a small black book with blank pages that is always with me):
Sometimes I wake up empty,
Sometimes I wake up flattered.
Sometimes I'm mourning in mid-afternoon,
and when it's the strain of unimaginable weight
it's the bane of my own lonely fate.
The give and take, the loss and gain that love creates.
High stakes and earthquakes.
My world shifts and shakes,
and trembles in fear,
pulling back to hide in a safe warm corner.
I wrote this in peices, and I seem to think that it shows.
I don't like to re-write my poems, because I think that it makes them untrue to their nature of being
spontaneous. I like them the way they come out of me.
Ice is the name of the game,
chunks, bergs, cubes in my glass,
It's all the same.
The imagery my mind creates with frozen things,
Gravel parking lots and state fairs,
A love so warm it borders on fairy tales.
This is a little thing I wrote this evening. The thing with "ice" is a running joke between
Sarah (my -ex) and I, I used to call her an Ice-Princess, because she could be so damn cold and
selfish sometimes, and she knew it.
The problem is that now anytime I hear "ice-this" or "ice-that" I think "my Ice-Princess..."
I'll sail away
On bad seas, icy wind, choppy waters
I'll sail away on a mid-autumn afternoon,
When all the leaves have fallen,
and the crisp chilled air whispers warnings of ice storms.
The sails are up,
and I'm on my way out.
The ocean is calling me,
Which is more than I can say for you.
You said it's better to be friends.
Well, I'd prefer and enemy over nothing at all.
Well, I'd take anything over a silent lost lover.
Well, I'd take the ocean over this.
Go ahead and downvote my poetry, you may not like it, but I do, because it's mine.
:-)