February 10, 2003 (thing)

I am 23 today!

Holyshitballs Batman!

Birthdays always make me think about my childhood. And it is strange to think of myself back then, because I really don't remember it too well, and so I feel like I have no connection to it, in a sense, because of that.

Like, I know that I must have been quite typical, even though, I was kind of a tomboy growing up, but that was just to shadow my hidden desire to be just like all the other pretty girls at school. But still, I can no longer put myself into that place on a mental level...and that, I think is what real growth is...at least for me.

But getting back to the memory thing, well it is so strange and this makes it tantalizing that I could have had so many experiences, and yet have no connection to them now. I can sum them up, I can generalize, but there are very few instances that I can bring myself back to.

Now, there is some stuff that I don't want to return to just as there are things that haunt me....heh... as there are for everybody... but I wonder sometimes, especially upon celebrating another year gone by, I wonder if this aspect of my reality is just another way in which the meaninglessness of my existence is confirmed. I mean, who's to say if I will look back on this day, twenty years from now, and remember, or take anything form this experience at all.

And yet, as I propose that idea, I see within it, its own meaninglessness.....

So, my birthday turend out to be quite the occasion.(Did I speel that right?) Anyway, I started the day off on this whole philosophical buzz, I mean what better day to do that than one's birthday right? But by the end of it, I was really not thinknig about anything at all, just having a few drinks with my friends, breaking glasses that just happen to slip out of my hand...

It was a night full of moments, and one to remember no doubt. At one point I found myself thinking that this was probably going to be the last time that I ever celebrated my birthday with some of the boys, that make up my little crew of friends at school. And a part of me was sad about that...but a part of me also was able to realize that it is the way of life, the pattern, the never-ending flow of the passage of time...and there is beauty within that, and it makes me cry, but with a smile on my face.

Daylogging(sp?) is weird to me sometimes. I mean, there is always so much insistance on this site about how repetetive and parallel experiences are, and so GTKY wups and stuff always make me feel dumb..like someone is going to read my shit and it won't matter because almost everything i say has been said before by someone...oh well...I suppose at the end of the day, the logs are more for me than they are for anyone else. I am amused when I look back at shit that I've written in the past. They are like pictures for me, they freeze time for me...I like them.

Sorry if this is all over the place...my brain works like that sometimes, I have a flow and then I just get impatient with it...but I've just been thinknig lately that's all, and it scares the shit out of me sometimes, the conclusions I come to.