I feel the world caving in on me too sometimes, particularly as of late. The structural make-up of society is fucked up. I don't understand it. It seems like the world does not consist of individuals anymore, only consumers.
I don't want to be a consumer anymore.
Today I woke up and I started thinking about my life in a major way, or rather I started thinking about life in general.
I hate it.
I hate the fact that my whole life I have felt rejected by everyone and everything that society presents to us as reality. And now I look back on all my years of self-loathing and self-centeredness in disgust because I have now gained an awareness for the world around me, and I appreciate what I do have to the extreme.
But I question everything about myself and about other people on a regular basis. I feel like I have just been molded by society to feel certain things and react to situations in a certain way.
I hate the fact that I feel that I need someone in my life!
I hate the fact that I have never been able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what was looking back at me.
Why is life like this? Why the fuck do I care about this shit?
I especially hate the fact that I have allowed myself to become a product of all the bullshit that is fed to people by magazines, movies, music, and television. None of it is real in my opinion, none of it is genuine. It's all just a part of this great big marketing scheme, this great big form of control.
What bothers me the most about it is my inability to escape it. It seems like everytime I get close to stepping out of the bubble, I am sucked back in by something, or by someone. I have no answers for myself either.
I want to give up so badly most of the time, and yet I feel guilty for even thinking that because I know there are millions of people that would die to have the chances I have had. I know this, and yet I also realize that they shouldn't necessarily desire all this shit.
I try to live in the present, in the moment. So today I am going to try and take another step back from the massive web that I have become wrapped up in.
Today I will try and not focus on myself, and all my bullshit. Today I will attempt to increase my awareness to the world around me. Perhaps I shall find some answers there. Or maybe I'll just have "nice cold glass of shut the hell up" instead.