I am a smoldering wasteland of jealousy
Today is an awful day for me.
I called my girlfriend last night, after she hadn't for two days. She was about to go into the hot tub with some friends.
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Darcy: "I was about to go into the hot tub with some friends."
> She's saying this dismissively to spite me for my recent announcement that I've neglected to spend time with friends instead of her. I haven't seen my friends for a while after visiting her all the time. She has been in my apartment for a total of 3 hours or something.
Me:"Cool, what friends?"
Darcy: "Jen, Joe, & Chris"
> I struggle not to make a comment to expose the obvious. Two weeks ago, Joe was "Some guy trying SO hard to pick me up at work. I shot him down SO bad." Oh-kay, Joe is a 33 year-old dotcommer who "does computer stuff." When I visited her on Valentine's Day, I walked in on him flirting with her and helping her close the store she works at. I said "Cool, I'm a webmaster, what do you do?" Him: "um, ha I don't know!" Perhaps he was nervous; I was obviously her boyfriend and he was obviously trying to cut in, on Valentine's Day, after I'd driven 3 hours to see her. He works out, and wears makeup. Darcy doesn't even wear makeup; she doesn't have to. Of course, she's thirteen years younger than Joe.
...
She couldn't call me for two days, but can hop into a hot tub with this sleazeball, Mickey Rourke wanna-be.
...
Darcy: "I get the feeling you're more interested in your friends, than with me."
> What an oxymoron. Contradictory, negating everything I've done for her since I've been with her at the expense of everyone else. I am so pissed to hear this; every day all I ever hear from my friends and family is, "Mike only cares about his NEW girlfriend, and just forgot about us." I have visited her every weekend for the last month, and called her every night. In a word, I am whipped.
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She called me back at 2 in the morning. She's cheery, most likely out of guilt. I told her I was surprised and disappointed about the whole spend to much of my time on my friends thing. She acknowledged it was pretty far out of line. We talked for a while, I broke into a story about being accosted by a group of born-again Christians, and I guess i went on too long(I suck at telling stories). I realized there wasn't anything coming back from the other end, just dead air. I kept talking, thinking she might be fucking around or something. After about five minutes of me bulshitting and not hearing anything, I quit and hung up.
And, sleeping alone on my bed, I thought about why she was spending time with Joe, and whether she fell asleep, or just got sick of me talking and put the phone down and walked away. Gears of paranoia twisting in my head, I imagined this idiot holding her in bed, laughing about me, the deadbeat boyfriend who just didn't know how to take care of a lady. I felt isolated, unappreciated.
Focused on the blocks in between her and I. 150 miles, would-be friends who turn resentful when you find someone else, my having spent hundred of dollars just calling her on the phone, going out of my way to see her repeatedly, and her disinterest in reciprocating and coming to see me. I don't want to control her; I want to feel like I matter to her in the same way she does to me; that the things I do that are a sign of my love and affection, are not just taken from me and pocketed...