This weekend
I traveled to Portland left my bedroom and
met five dozen of the most intelligent and beautiful and wonderful and friendly and sweet people I've ever encountered in my life discovered my house was overrun with
people from the Internet, some of them very attractive.
When I first showed up poured my first cocktail of the day, things were a little awkward, largely because of assertions the guests were then making about my behavior the previous evening. This experience was quite disorienting: not only had I zero memory of the things I had allegedly said and done, I was fairly certain I had never seen most of these guests in my entire life. Sadly, I was quickly proven wrong by the documentation-obsessed party contingent, who provided still digital photos, video and audio recordings to verify their assertions.
While it is true that I'm so happy I wasted my entire collegiate existence staring at this site, or I never would have met you lovely fuckers a large percentage of the visitors to my house this weekend don't use this website anymore or have never even heard of it, in the interest of perpetuating in the exact kind of dirty-laundry-airing and flamewarring I claim to eschew in favor of discretion and tact noding for the ages, I thought I would use this forum to apologize for absolutely all of my misdeeds this weekend (rather, to apologize for the ones I know about).
To Ouroboros: I am sorry about your pants. Really, really sorry. I am also sorry you didn't realize that if you made me six bloody Marys and didn't supplement them with actual breakfast, at least one of them would end up on your Dockers. I'm also sorry you have such bad taste in pants that I didn't know when to say when, and because of my poor judgment, ended up setting your laundry on fire and waxed my car with your wedding dress. To say I owe you a new wardrobe is an understatement. Call me and we'll do Lloyd Center sometime.
To conform: You are a real class act, and I have every intention of replacing your first edition of Ulysses with a new copy that I haven't urinated on.
To ideath: It seems like I've met you a few times before, so I really have no explanation for the fact that I kept forgetting your name and accusing you of being ungenerous with your "stash" being a cockblock between myself and the groom that guy Horace.
To enth: I'm sorry I gave you rickets. I'm sorry I gave you those bogus drugs that sent you to the hospital, although the phosphates bubbling out of your nose were kind of funny actually. I'm sorry about kicking your cat in the stomach, even though she had it coming. I'm sorry about all the hair in the bath tub, even though it wasn't your bath tub. I'm sorry about that time I accused you of stealing all my meds and replacing them with Aqua Net. I'm sorry I spilled cheese sauce on you and then didn't share the nachos. I'm also sorry I cut your arm off. I thought it was really funny, but I guess it was wrong, because only one of the ER nurses thought it was funny too. I'm also sorry I called you Stumpy after that. I'm just sorry.
To panamaus: I'm really, really sorry I made you drink a ten-gallon bucket of gravy spiked with vodka. You were really a grown man and it's hardly my job to babysitepolite and hesitant about the whole thing, and I'm sure seriously, 10 gallons, what the fuckyou wouldn't have done it if I hadn't egged you on, especially since, as we found out later, you're allergic to gravy. Sorry about the swollen face, hands and gentials mangos. Feel free to put me in the hospital any time.
To Walter and QXZ: I'm sorry that no one invited you and you couldn't stop talking about stupid shit and groping my friends I had so much trouble telling you two apart. I'm also sorry I kept calling you gay especially since you totally are.
To brassmule: I'm sorry about the confusion.
To Quizro: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the assI didn't know that was your car. I'll replace the windows as soon as I get my next pay check, I swear.
To Roninspoon: I actually feel I have very little to apologize for here, as your behavior was even more appalling, abhorrent and dangerous than mine, not to mention that I had to act as a human shield between you and all the ephebes at the party. You also owe me a case of pork and beans, you sick fuck. It was really nice meeting you.
To igloowhite: You left your hat here.
I'm reasonably certain that I may have unintentionally offended, injured or damaged the property of a number of people whose names currently escape me. To you folks, I apologize both for forgetting your names and for my behavior. If you have anything to report, please /msg me and I will do my best to rectify the situation. Please contact me also if you know the names of any of the people I had sex with (I also apologize for the volume, and the fact that most of these encounters occurred in the living room while people were trying to read quietly), or if you know the name of the guy I threw in the compost. The thing I feel truly bad about is that, with the notable exception of a bunch of truly crazy motherfuckers and crashing bores, many of whom exist simultaneously in the same person by and large, you are a terrific bunch of individuals, with whom I sincerely look forward to more groping and puking good times next year. If I'm not invited, I'll understand, but don't worry -- I'll show up anyway.