I start to try to node
the book, and the events of the last few days, but i end up starting a long
requiem and
apology for
the entire relationship. I feel almost guilty for putting something so personal and one-sided on here. It is
publicized despite me, before it is finished, before i can really explain even the title. That's ok, i guess, this is a public forum. For all you voyeurs out there. Yes, you. It's still not finished.
He's so puppyish now that i've told him it's over, now that the countdown is in full effect. He needs so much reassurance and i think maybe maybe it would be less cruel if i were just cruel and colder to him, instead of being half-kind, half-distant. Scott has called, and i stop by on the way downtown. I am dressed in Gauguin South Seas orange/pink/yellow/green, he wears a Hawaiian shirt, and i am glad for the simplicity of this affair. It's easy. It would be so honest and straightforward if it were not secret and convolute. It's true.
Ah, but i am agitated and confused, and i stop in the used record store and buy too many CDs: Legendary Pink Dots, lisahall, Julee Cruise, the amps .. i can't make decisions, everything is multiple. Why should i have to make decisions? Why can't i be infinite? I want to be infinite.
We go to see High Fidelity: Dan and I, my sister and her boyfriend. They are cute. The movie is - cute. Kinda sappy for my tastes. Dan tries to hold my hand. I, i don't know. He has no place to go and thinks he's ruined the best thing that will ever happen to him. I, i don't know. There are so many people out there.