Today was completely uneventful except for one really devistating little email I got.

I wrote to Sara today as I have been for nearly every day, just saying hi and telling her what I was up to. I might have gone a bit far though and revealed too much about how I felt about her, because she wrote me back and insisted that she is only interested in just being friends, despite all of the little actions she has been doing at me (long hugs, putting her head on my shoulder, and a lot of other things). I know she hasn't wanted a relationship, but I thought she at least felt comfortable with my giving her extra attention and just being really nice to her. In a way I'm glad she told me so I don't keep fooling myself into thinking she's becoming more attracted to me, but it really has crushed me totally.

I felt so bad for a little while, I couldn't decide what to do with myself. I paced around, I lied down, I watched TV, I ate, and then repeated it all over again. I felt the air was so thick I couldn't even breathe. Everything I did reminded me of her. After spending every waking moment for the past few months thinking of her, it was so hard to not think of her. I was getting sick. I felt like I was dying just from the feelings I had.

All of the sudden the one and only thing in my life that I wanted was pulled from my reach. Now I've got nowhere to go. I wanted to call a friend, but I don't want to burden them with my feelings. There was nothing they could possibly tell me anyway.

I wrote her an email telling her as nicely as possible how I felt disappointed and to let her know that I'm ok with being friends. I told her she didn't have to reply to my message, and I haven't heard back from her yet today. I really wanted her to reply though to at least let me know how she does feel and where I do fall into her life, but I didn't want to put her under any stress to deal with it.

I'm so good at keeping my feelings to myself, and I still love her so much I couldn't burden her with any aspect of how I really feel.

I couldn't stand staying in my apartment anymore so I went out and got some chinese food and stopped at the grocery store. I feel a little better since getting back, and I hope that everything can be normal between us after this.

I've got schoolwork to do before class tomorrow. But I just don't care. I'm going to sleep.