Today I took the day off of work to think about what had happened
yesterday. Sara wrote me an email yesterday telling me that she was in
love with someone else, and basically all hope is lost of us ever getting together. She was even talking about marriage and children. She has fallen for this guy hard, considering she was telling everyone how
independent she wanted to be and how she doesn't want to be involved right now with anyone.
I didn't take the news too well. I had fallen in love with her back in April, only to be told by her that she didn't feel quite the same way about me just yet. She told me that didn't want a relationship and she wanted to just be free for now. I still loved her and agonized over her for the past two months wondering if anything would ever happen. I had days where I felt like shit because I just couldn't decide whether to let her go or to keep trying. Well at least I don't have to worry about that now.
It really bothers me to think of her with someone else. It makes me very frustrated and utterly jealous. I can just imagine this guy with his arm wrapped around her and her lovingly gazing up at his eyes. It makes me sick. What's even sicker is this guy is 1300 miles away from her, and he still managed to sweet talk his way into her life and win her love over the internet. That really makes me feel bad that I'm right here and I couldn't do anything to win her.
I woke up this morning hung over for the first time in my life. I was really upset. I lied in bed just thinking about all of the ways she walked all over me, and I grew angry. I finally sprung out of bed and put all of my angry thoughts into a letter. But I started to soften up a bit and by the time I was ready to send it, I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted to do. I knew that if I sent this letter I would probably sever any communication between us forever. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take that risk. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and I don't afford to lose another one, even though she hurt me so bad. I talked to a friend from work who's age and wisdom recommended that I not send the letter and instead go talk to her in person and get her to tell me everything face to face.
I couldn't at first. I thought about it. She was local to me for three days (she is staying at her parents house 100 miles away for the summer but will return in the fall). And today was the last day. This would be my only chance to talk to her in person. I called her up and asked her to meet me at the university parking lot. We met there and I was just trembling with fear for what to say and how to act. I'd never done anything like this before. We sat down and had a very civil conversation. She told me how she had changed her mind about relationships, and how somehow something just clicked for her when she started talking to this new guy. I tried to get some details out of her, but she couldn't describe it.
In the end, we departed our ways. I told her I didn't want a customary hug and that I'd probably not want any physical contact with her for a while as a consequence of my needing time to move on. She did agree that I should have been angry with her. But I just couldn't do that in person. She told me a lot of stuff to try to inflate my ego and assure me that there are other people out there for me, but it all just went in one ear and out the other. I didn't want anyone else. I wanted her. I didn't get much out of the conversation but I was glad that she had the courage to come and talk to me face to face. I went home and deleted the angry letter I wrote.
I felt better afterwards, though I don't know why, especially with one of the things she told me which distrubed me greatly. She told me that she was considering starting on the pill before travelling up there to meet him. That knowledge alone makes me very upset. I think I could have gone without being told that. That is still driving me nuts even now.
Well I know it's over now. I can't do anything about it. I'm accepting that now, however I am really having a hard time with so many regrets that I have. I regret moving too quickly with her back when she was showing interest in me. I regret not talking to her more often while she was online this summer when she met him. Sometimes I regret ever meeting her in the first place, because before I met her I had an idea of a perfect person for me who I never figured existed. Since I found that she did, I was absolutely amazed and felt luckier than I could ever imagine. That's why I feel so horribly bad about losing her. Not just becuase I lost someone close who I felt great about, but because she is the only person I've ever met who came so close to the perfect person for me.
I don't know what I will do now. I know it will take a while for me to start feeling better about all of this. Right now, I feel like it will never happen. Right now, I feel like I will never meet someone as special as her again. I feel so hopeless and alone. If it weren't for my friends keeping my spirits up throughout the past two days, I think I could have strongly considered suicide. Friends are very important. I am so grateful to them.
I must move on...