Last night my youngest was in a play that I went to see. Initially she had auditioned for one of the main roles, but I think that a gift of hers is being able to take a minor character, and really make that person come alive in a way that is meaningful to the scene. She did not have many words of love for the director, I'm proud of her for sticking with it despite being told to color her hair (it was teal), for a role a week before the performance. The majority of the students performed well with few exceptions, there were only about five guys in the play which I thought was really too bad, but they made it work, and some of the performances seemed truly inspired. My oldest had to work so we missed her, a couple people in my family said that she must be busy with friends, but I insisted that she would like to hear from them as I believe this to be true, and think it would help strengthen bonds that need tightening.
Work has been a disaster lately, but I would rather focus on the things that are going well in my life. Not long ago I told someone that it would not work, and after going back and forth a couple of times, he said that he was clearly not the guy for me. I thought that was it, but then I felt bad, and asked if he wanted a fresh start. He had some questions about that, I explained it as best I could, and we decided to move forward knowing that I might judge him every time he cracks open a beer, and there are things he doesn't love about me. It was a strange way to begin again, but one of the things I like about us is that we can move forward without an exact resolution of whatever topic/issue/situation, started the conversation. Yesterday he said something, and that made me laugh, but it gave us an opportunity to dig a little deeper.
Without knowing how he would react, I did the thing that a lot of men complain about; woman launches into big long emotionally charged diatribe while the man is supposed to, do what exactly? To his credit he listened to me, and that really helped. He said things that indicated agreement, and/or understanding, told me that what I had said made sense, and surprisingly, apologized for the confusion. I didn't think that he had really done anything wrong, but I did appreciate the fact that he was apparently trying to mend fences that I didn't feel were really broken. One part of me wonders if women are so conditioned to focus on the fact that men want sex that this can become a fear rather than a tale of caution. Men and women are both sexual creatures, and sex is one of the things I am not getting from the women, or other men in my life. I'm not getting it from him either, we've had some talks about it, and I like the way that he handled my feedback.
I told him that I felt like his attitude toward it had changed, in the beginning it was more about me and setting the scene, then those types of things gave way to more straightforward indicators. I started thinking about sex, intimacy, touching in a way that bonds rather than incites or seduces, and time spent together in general. This guy is a communicator, and I love that about him. He touches base frequently throughout the day, it usually isn't anything super deep or intense, it's checking in the way that I check in on others I care about, and that translates to me feeling secure about his affections and attention. We had the attention conversation when we first started chatting, and whether or not he remembers that, he acts in a manner that seems caring and concerned; sharing bits and pieces about his day and life in a way that invites me to do the same to the level that I am comfortable. After the big long thing he asked how my day was, I told him, and he gave me a strong dose of empathy and support that I really needed.
Since I did so much yesterday I decided to be lazy this morning, it feels like I should be out getting things done, but I don't want to be completely drained of energy by the time I get to work. Yesterday I had this huge conversation with one of my girlfriends, this morning I had another shorter one with one of my other friends. I live for that type of communication, and apparently can't really get enough of it. My one friend told me to guard my heart, another told me to relax, and not think too much about the relationship. I think there is a danger in being depressed, things that feel good, the opposite of depression, feel strange and somewhat wrong. Like this guy has his fair share of faults and flaws, but am I sabotaging things on purpose, in a subconscious, or unconscious manner, because I am afraid of someone getting too close to me? Food for thought that has me thinking. I was trying to step back and see it for what it is, he is neither angel, nor demon, there's a temptation to try and see past the bad, but also a tendency to fear the good, for me at least.
There is so much more on my mind, but I'm done writing for the day as I need to start getting ready for work.
All my best,
Jess
P.S. I never thought that having a girlfriend who was out of her mind crazy for a guy would be such good preparation for future relationships, funny how that worked out...
Xoxo,
j