Back in August I started a new job although things were touch and go
for a while after I missed almost a week of work. I remember my
physician telling me that if my employer couldn't understand that I
needed some time off to recover I should look for another job. That last day in August was the start of me no longer
accepting the way my life was. I had been through a major depression, I
had put on weight, no matter how much I worked out I couldn't get the
body I had back. It seemed like other
people were distant and alien, even people who were supposed to be
close to me.
After I lost ten pounds my clothes fit better. I bought some new
outfits for myself after I lost twenty-five pounds. People at work told
me I looked great after I lost thirty pounds, by the time I lost forty
pounds I felt like I was making strides towards my ultimate weight loss
goal. After losing fifty pounds I walked away from the hospital into the
fading light too tired to do anything when I arrived at home. Finding
out that I have celiac disease was tempered by the fact that an
opportunistic infection left me too ill to care.
Today I have a much better idea of what foods I can safely enjoy. I
have an incomplete list of foods I need to avoid and the healing process
is slow but I absolutely eat better than I used to even if I've had to
cut some categories of foods out completely. Now I realize that food,
clothing and shelter are more important than some of the other things I
used to worry about. I have a horrific stack of medical bills from all
the things I've been through. Strangely this doesn't really bother me the way it would have
in the past.
Recently my youngest daughter has been getting up earlier to hang out
with me as I get ready for work. One of the guys in the IT department
said I might be able to work from home some day. Swimming has been one
of the things that my family enjoys doing together. Lately I haven't
been able to do much more than watch my girls progress but I'm hoping
that some day I can go back to hanging out in the pool with my little
swimmers.
My relationship with God has been tested as I've gone through
various circumstances. Growing up it seemed as if my parents crammed
religion down my throat. Pointing
fingers is easy however when I look at myself I can see that I have my
own faults in addition to the ones I've inherited. Drifting apart from
my family and some of my friends has been difficult for me. They don't
understand what I'm going through just as I am unable to relate to
things that they are dealing with.
At work my paperwork is organized, my desktop is clear and I have a
reasonably good plan of attack for each day. People at work respect
things I have to say, lunch with my coworkers
has enabled me to make friends with people I wouldn't know otherwise. A
couple people have asked if I can help them get different jobs within
the company. I tend not to think of myself as a power broker but people
must think I have some power or they wouldn't be asking me the questions
they do.
Right now I'm trying to figure out where I want my life to go next. I
like working for the company I'm at. My birthday is just around the
corner, in some ways I feel as if I will be turning younger instead of
growing older. No one wants to hear they have medical conditions that
aren't going away however now I have names for some of the things that are wrong with me. I have
the start of a good treatment plan and even as lousy as I feel now I'm
so much better than I was.*
I can be upset that my body doesn't work the way I want it to or I
can focus on the fact that I'm now a stronger, healthier and in many
ways much stronger person than I was. I still get frustrated at how
slowly things are progressing, often times I feel as if I'm going
sideways or backwards as much as I am going forwards but at the end of
the day I have to remember that I have no idea how long I'm going to
have on this earth so ultimately I want to make the best of whatever
time I've been given. Hopefully you will too.
*I wrote this a couple weeks ago,
things have grown worse however I'm hoping this is a temporary setback. A
friend of mine told me that sometimes you have to stop asking how
others can help you and start looking at the many ways you've been a
positive influence on others. The other day at work I won a good sized
account back, the day before that one of my accounts sent in a $12,000
order and during a meeting the president of the company said that the
department I work in was contagious in a good way which was really nice
to hear.