Friday I went in to work early, Thursday I stayed late, having a job
with flexible hours allows me to do motherly things so I made breakfast
for my girls and put their hair up after. The other night I bought them
barrettes and silicone hair bands. I let them each choose a snack, it
was almost nine before we left the store Wednesday night however I have
been meaning to spend time shopping with them.
Possessions can never make people happy. Whenever others tell me I am
complicated I wish I could live the simple life of nutritious food,
clothes that fit well and diverse events that nourish body, mind and
spirit. Friday I found out that I may have a new complication to deal
with. Denial and grief should be old companions by now although I never
miss them when they depart.
After sobbing with my pillow I took a bath hoping that would help.
Afterwards I went to bed. Because of some of the things I deal with I
can not depend on my body to get the most out of food or rest. Yesterday
I could have taken a long walk, instead I did laundry, made some meals
with the girls and helped them get ready for their Valentine's Dance
with their father.
Coworkers of mine lend me movies they want me to watch.
Coincidentally my supervisor watched Exit Through The Gift Shop the
same weekend I did. Last night I started with Sixteen Candles and
ended with the first three episodes of Pride and Prejudice. I have
tried to read Jane Austen before, each time I gave up because I have a
hard time following all of the female characters.
Before I started trying to write things of my own I used to read
quite a bit. Now I find myself impatient, disinterested or critical. In a
way I miss reading, sometimes I wonder if I am growing more shallow.
Today my oldest daughter went skiing with her
father. I would have liked to have gone with, instead I am at home with
my youngest wishing we could both nap.
When my children were younger I didn't know my body wasn't working
the way it should. The practitioner I work with specializes in
functional medicine. During my first appointment she asked questions
that didn't seem relevant. Friday morning I passed a new poster that
someone had hung up. Functional medicine focuses on answering the why of
a symptom. If you have a rash or cough there may be a larger underlying
cause.
Pattern recognition is important in the medical field, if I had that
sort of training I think I would be good at identifying what is wrong
with some of the people I know. At work, when my family gets together I
see people who are struggling and unhappy. My family tells me that I
need counseling and therapy. Friday night I discovered a website that
advocated seeking support groups and telling your family members and
loved ones some of the things you are going through.
Saturday morning I called my mom to see how her shoulder was doing.
We have a difficult relationship, neither of us can identify with the
other person's point of view, both of us love each other, because she
worries about me she tells me what to do and what to avoid. Respecting
her input is not easy for me. When I tell her that she should be tested
for some of the things I've been diagnosed with she dismisses me and my
ideas.
I've been busy at work the past couple of days. Now I have a job
where people call me instead of me reaching out to others. The other day
I left a message that was in response to an e-mail another department
had forwarded to me. After lunch I listened to a voice mail message that
was standard fare until the very end. Maybe some day he will get a
story of his own.
A Sam Adams commercial I watched said that if you do what you love
you will never work a day in your life. I sent some marketing materials
to a man I hope will call me back. My boss handed an account down to my
supervisor, eventually it was passed on to me. Typically I do not go
into a call with an offer however because of the history with this
account that's what my instructions were.
I know we could get this account back, it is a matter of how badly do
we want it and how low are we willing to go when it comes to
discounting. I hate remembering that I have many things to learn. My
boss has been doing this for a long time, she compliments me however my question to myself is why am I so good at
developing relationships with people at work and at a loss as to how to
develop my own children?
At first I didn't think there would be many similarities between
Sixteen Candles and Pride and Prejudice. Both end
with a kiss, both elicited similar reactions from me. They both deal
with parenting, children, marriage and courtship. The times have changed
but the themes are similar. Every day is an opportunity to learn, to
grow, to face new challenges, to laugh, love and reflect.
The other day I did something I have never done before. I climbed the
overhang at the rock wall. Since I figured that was a fluke I was
afraid to try it again. My body spun off when I missed a handhold but I
grabbed a different one and made it to the top a second time. The way my
body works still confuses me. At times I think I can do more than I
think I can. Other times standing over the stove to make pancakes
takes more energy than I have.
The best article I read said that I should be active but not overdo
it. In the past I wanted to do everything. In my mind I should be able
to and it is very frustrating to my family, friends and coworkers
because I am eager but unpredictable. Now I have new strategies to help me cope. I've always been a snacker, now I
have to have small frequent meals because my heart does not effectively
control my blood pressure the way that it should.
I had to sit down with my supervisor and explain some of this to her.
Living with a disease is unlike an illness because typically your body
recovers from sickness. What I lost I will never regain however I can't
spend my time feeling sorry for myself no matter how many times I start
crying when I learn something new. I want to go to the doctor and hear
that I am a working mother with two children and being weak or exhausted is
normal.
If there is a bright spot in this people rarely die from what I have.
Even if I have what I think I have it is an uncommon cause of death. We
are all mortal, everyone has their own cross to bear just as we each
possess different gifts and talents. I admire grundoon for being able
to speak so freely about her medical conditions, for realizing the toll
it takes on her family and for her willingness to share that with
others.
I want to, if even one other person reads it and identifies with me
then I feel it will be worthwhile. I have read things I could have
written myself, every time I try it doesn't come out the way I want it
to, at some level I must be afraid of sharing this. I have new ideas for
fiction on a daily basis. They rarely go anywhere outside of my mind but trying to sort out a good plan of action exhausts me.
Then I sit back to watch a movie I didn't know
I would enjoy so much. I have time with my daughters, they are
interesting young women that I am privileged to know. I can not solve
the problems of the world, sometimes I can't even identify major issues
in my own life which is why I count on the good friends who reveal them
to me. Thank you for being there for me.