And to those I've left behind, you've always shared my deepest thoughts, you've followed where I go. This morning I woke up grateful. Perhaps it was nothing more than having the day off, work was rough this week, and I was only there for four days. I was talking to a friend of mine about recent events. Letting go of this guy, to a certain extent, has really amplified and magnified how unhappy I am at work. I'm pretty sure I've written about the article that talks about three needs people have; the need for connection, for security, and for status. This job meets none of those. The previous job met them to an extent I didn't realize until I left. The last time I quit a job I took some time off, this time I'm going to keep working until I find a job that meets more of these needs. I thought the first flooring place I stopped at might be it, but then I found a company that does cabinetry and countertops in addition to flooring, and then I had a vision of myself working in that building. I have a need to create, and I might as well be paid for things I am naturally good at, and greatly enjoy, that also benefits others.
Who knows when we shall meet again, if ever? I thought about goals I have, and I'm super excited about moving since I will gain so much time. There's a lot I want to do at my new place, but I also want to be extremely mindful of what I allow into my home. It feels like home already even though I was inside of it once. There's a permanance about it that I haven't had before, and I'm proud of myself for taking that leap of faith. My mind wants to jump to the problems, but I'm trying to focus on the feelings, hoping and praying that if I have more security and stability at home, then I will require less of it from external sources, or people. I'm also optimistic about living a more streamlined existence since I will have more room. Fewer things and more room is what I'm envisioning at the moment. It can be very difficult to live with space, how many times have I heard that; 'nature abhors a vacuum'. I love space, but I find myself cluttering it up with things, some of them useful, helpful, and beautiful.
All your dreams are strange. Yesterday at work we were talking about a fellow employee, and I shared something I felt to be true about this person. Since I am such a visual person, it helps me to see things out in the open. The minimalist in me wants clear counters while the part of my brain that requires seeing the toothpaste next to my brush and floss is at odds with that. It's a problem, fortunately, I am a terrific problem solver! Can we last forever, will we fall apart? A lot of the things I use on a daily basis sit out, and I could put them away, but that seems inefficient on some level, why put it away if I am going to pull it back out again in the very near future? What I'm thinking is that if I can pare things down, and get attractive versions of items that are typically viewed as not so pretty, I won't mind if it does sit out for me, and others, to see. Giving things new homes has typically been relatively easy for me, and it's really helped me during this move.
The search is over, love was right before my eyes. Throughout my life I have worked with difficult people. Right now there is a person at work who is making things unpleasant for me. I dislike confrontation, and I need help learning how to be more assertive. Losing ground. I'm reaching for you. I can deal with it, but I leave work feeling so drained and depleted that it feels as if I have no energy or willpower left to resist things I want to avoid, and watch the rest of my day wind down as I turn to the coping mechanisms that have 'worked' so well in the past. Distant eyes. Last night I did a lot of painting, but it wasn't the fun and creative kind. Someday, love will find you. It's funny how easy it can be to see other people's lives so clearly, and lack clarity in areas of my own. But I'm taking strides to notice where I am biased, and to recognize that it is nigh impossible to be objective about my life. I need to relax, I need to have fun, I need to stop worrying about the feelings of others when placating them and trying to keep the peace is taking an unreasonable emotional toil on me, I need higher levels of self esteem, more self care, and this is a part of that.
It breaks my heart to see you crying. Today I feel empowered. The point I was trying to make earlier is that other people's moods and attitudes are their problem, not mine. When I worked with someone that I wasn't getting along with, he and I had to spend a lot of time together before we could overcome <whatever you want to call it> and become true partners. While I have never been interested in politics on a national, or international level the way I am now, I have always been what most would probably describe as pro-labor. At a larger corporation the greed divide is usually larger than it is at smaller places. Companies like to tout family values, and tell people that they function like a family, and in most cases they are accurate in that they are describing shocking ill treatment at the hands of those who are closest to you. The word family does not conjur up many warm or fuzzy feelings for me. My mom is having people over to celebrate the birthday of my youngest, and I don't want to go because I am angry that once again she co-opted an event without including me as a parent in any of her planning or discussions.
I am the maker of rules, dealing with fools. Probably one of the things I find funny about how the person who is picking on me at work is doing is they are sabotaging the very thing that would help make the organization more profitable and productive. They think that if they make a point of being passive aggressive and talking about me behind my back that, I'm not really sure what this person thinks that is going to accomplish, and it's laughable to think about how old the players in this ridiculously childish game are, one might think that either of us could be the larger person, and I could make a remark or two about that, but it would not be kind, and reveals inner pettiness in me that I don't like to admit is there. One of the things that made me so incredibly effective at my last job is I put a lot of effort into understanding how things were viewed from people whose jobs differed from mine. Perspective lends the ability to see things in a way I would not naturally be visible to me, and we had what I felt was a decently diverse set of people as far as skill sets, aptitude, attitude, etc...
Listen to your heart. The other day I was pretty frustrated and upset when someone told me that I needed to learn how to do certain things on my own. We all have inborn needs for things like attention and affection. These are hardwired into us, and should not be ignored, or neglected. I have done that, and it was too high of a price to pay for that insulation and isolation. Now I'm craving those soft touches, the gentle whispering type of caress that communicates love, the romantic kind, as well as other true and deep types. And there are voices that long to be heard. I have tried listening to my heart, but I didn't know what it was saying, what it needed, what it was trying to tell me. It took someone else to help me better understand myself, once some of the cracks are filled in, the broken vessel becomes stronger, more capable, and more beautiful. I needed to learn how to receive, to be, to let someone admire, respect, hug, compliment, build, center, and ground me. It sounds counterintuitive, but letting go, and staying true to yourself is more beneficial than remaining in a role that is more comfortable and familiar to me.
Don't let him go. Just give him a chance to grow. Take it easy, take it slow. He has made me angry, but I've probably made him feel things he would rather not be feeling at the moment as well. It's a dangerous game. Hope is a dangerous thing. I was telling a friend how he helped me see myself from his perspective, and it was like a fairytale come true in some sense. I have a mirror, but he helped me realize that it will never fully capture the essence of what it means to be me, to interact with me, photographs fail to capture the sparkle, and that reflection can't possibly be as warm, as welcoming, as filled with wonder and awe as I can be. Perhaps I will grow wiser, but there's a fundamentally childlike and youthful quality I have that isn't anything I put on my face n the morning. He helped me see myself as radiant, feminine, sensual, loving, giving, magical, mysterious, charismatic, playful, nurturing, all the things I have wished for and longed to be. He pulled out a pedestal, dusted it off, and invited me to sit there in whatever capacity I could.
We don't need to talk about it, anymore. I love games, and he's an incredible player. I forgive him for all the things he thinks he's done, or left undone, and I believe that I have that from him as well. If he needs time and space, then I will give it to him. I've read that the best way to love another is to take great care of yourself, and I know I haven't done that in the past so I'm going to start. It won't be easy, but anything worth having is worth the time, the effort, and a break from the insanity of life I live now. He wouldn't like it if he knew that I was letting someone bully me at work. He would be really angry and very upset about that. He would demand justice, and he would take steps to make sure that not only was the present instance taken care of to my satisfaction, he would have something in place to prevent this type of thing ever happening again. He would want me to live in a beautiful place, one where I can rest, relax, eat, sleep, breathe, love, and be creative.
Paint a picture of days gone by. He is the gift that keeps on giving, and it's really awe inspiring to be loved like this. I used to feel as if it was really important to be respected, and I suspect that this is why I feel so loved, because I feel like he respects who and what I am, and am not, more than anyone I've ever met. More than knowing, I can feel it. He probably doesn't view himself as a leader in most settings, but he has his own drummer inside of his head, and I like some of those tunes. He can give more than he thinks, and I can be patient, and wait. I can work on the things I need to do for myself, and he can sit and try and think himself out of the situation he's gotten himself into just like I had to be with myself during those super uncomfortable moments where I was questioning everything I had said, done, thought, etc..., I love you. I don't need the words, he might, and I would say them, or write them down, if I felt like that would help. But he needs to make this decision himself. I like action, I crave adventure, I'm bold, and if he thinks it's hard to live the way he does now, it's going to be even worse if I find someone else, and leave him behind.
I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm excited to be taking a larger measure of control over my own life. This job is temporary. I need to learn a lesson the hard way, I didn't say anything, or speak up when I could have, and that is bothering me. I have things to face at the place I live now, and three more work days until I move. I'm nervous about this upcoming transition, but I am also preparing for things to go smoothly, and for those who have volunteered to help me to have fun despite working hard. There's a place I like to hide, a doorway that I run through in the night. I feel so much better than I did. Normally I try to escape the darkness, the depths of despair that aren't that deep relatively speaking. Today I am filled with gratitude, for the chance to have met him, for the actions we both took, for the space we held for each other, for the way we try show our authentic selves to the other person, I'm proud of both of us for creating something new and resilient that was born out of passion, tension, frustration, and a desire for the other person's life to be as full, rich, and complete as a life can and should be.
Signing off for now, please be well.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I can't believe this is really happening...
- The other day I thought it was over, that
- I had ruined everything, and that we
- would never see each other again, or if
- we were granted that opportunity, it
- would be a stiff and awkward moment.
- I didn't give you enough credit, and I'm
- thankful for every moment we had together,
- the insights you gave me were transformative,
- deep, and I'm still learning those lessons.
- Thanks for being my muse. I love and miss you...