My youngest daughter was almost three weeks
old when I went back to school. At the time I thought I could handle
one class a semester and since my first class went well I decided to
sign up for a second. To back track slightly when I was in school the
first time around I didn't explore other avenues I should have. Math and
the hard sciences have never been strong suits of mine and this might
surprise some of the people who have read things I've written but I have
a history degree mainly because I thought I wanted to go to law school
after I graduated from college.
After college I ended up working
in finance. When my oldest daughter was born I decided to stay at home
with her. Both of my children were born early. They were both little
babies, they were not healthy children and people used to joke about me
having my own parking spot at the pediatrician's but when you're at
school and you get a call that one of your children can't breathe you
drop everything to go see her. Looking back I am amazed that I retained
enough information to pass any of my classes.
Two years ago I
briefly entertained the idea of going back to school. I wrote all of one whole writeup devoted to science which
told me that school wasn't something I was seriously considering. Money
has always been an issue for me so I decided to go back to work instead
of investing in education. Going back to work was a major decision for
me. I didn't really want to work at a restaurant but it was a part time
job that would be flexible enough to allow me to see my children after
they got out of school while offsetting some of my
financial obligations.
Surprisingly I found out that I was good
at managing other people who had talent and were willing to work hard. I
met a lot of neat kids most of whom I'm still friends with.
Periodically they ask when I'm coming back which always helps boost my
ego. Some of them have asked me for references and I'd like to think
that I played a part in shaping their bright young futures. From the
smoothie shop I moved across the hall to the shoe store and then in
March I moved to the store I'm at now.
Working in shoes has
taught me a lot. I personally have changed over the course of the past
year which hasn't been easy but has been good for me. The other day I
was at work by myself. That rarely happens during the day but it was
quiet at the mall until a guy and his son dropped by. I wouldn't have
recognized the kid however one of
the first things my former Anatomy teacher did was hug me. He told me I
looked good and since the store was quiet I had an opportunity to chat
with him for a while.
When my former teacher asked if I was still
writing he mentioned that every semester he passes out an essay I wrote
on how your kidneys function as an example of how things should be done
and what he expects to see when students hand back tests. Before my
former teacher left he asked how my job was going. I told him it was
okay, I felt like I owed him honesty and it's not like I love working
with people who rarely listen and couldn't care less about how I could
help them.
Today I'm closer to
forty than I am to thirty however I'm still not any closer to figuring
out what I should do when I grow up. My former teacher reminded me that
it isn't too late to go back to school. While I know he's right I don't
know if that's what I really want to do with my life. An aunt of mine
that I'm close to wants me to go back. Her husband told me I should go
into education and a lot of people have told me I'm wasting my time and
talents selling shoes at the mall.
Theoretically
I know that anything worth having is worth sacrificing for but when I
think about going back to school right away I'm intimated by the classes
and thinking about how to pay for additional schooling when I've never
used any of the education I have. Realistically I have two school age
children who are fairly independent. Going back to school would mean
they would have to give up some of the things they now enjoy. Part of me
thinks it would be good for me and another part thinks that I can barely handle the life I
currently lead.
Right now I don't know what I'm going to do and
fortunately this isn't something I have to decide immediately. Going
back to school is something for me to contemplate because it would open a
lot of doors for me. My former teacher said he would like to see me get
into technical writing and he told me not to worry about the classes
because in his experience the people who do well are the ones who read
the material ahead of time and are able to communicate effectively.
Probably
the strangest thing about all of this is I feel more comfortable
sharing this information with nameless, faceless people on the internet
than the family and friends I have in my real life. If I called my
sisters up I'd get a list of reasons why going back to school is not a
good idea. They'd tell me to use the education I have to get a better
job but I've looked online and in the paper; most of the jobs out there
don't interest me or seem like a step up from where I'm at now.
Currently I feel like your basic emotional wreck. Frequently I throw myself
into whatever change I'm bent on achieving forgetting that change comes
with small steps that add up over time. Tonight my daughter asked why I
was crying and there were so many things I could have told her but I
chose to hug her instead. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'll be
able to cope with more of what life has handed me and I've chosen for
myself. Take care until then or whenever we happen to meet
again.