This day smells like Tampa.
Or at least, it smells like the
drunk night of anticipation I felt before I flew down there... Now it's the same excitement, the same
anticipation, the same drunken revelry... and even the same smell of my room, the same smell of
intoxication and dreamy expectancy. I've worked so hard to transfer to
Loyola... what will happen to me when I get there? Will I find
friends? Will I actually find a place to stay, a place that can act as my own? I... had a
lover there once... someone who drove me, who made me feel as if I was complete... but they were a false impression, and although I love them dearly as a friend (You hear that? Yes, you really are a good friend, thankyou...), I couldn't keep smothering them, I couldn't keep acting as if I should mean something to them when I knew that I really didn't... But oh! This is my life, and I'm truly excited!
Even if Brendan made me run
sobbing into the bathroom tonight... I love the boy... I always have, and always will... to have him offer judgement on me and some of my past situations made me sick to tears, and I couldn't hide it. Brendan, I love you, I really do. Please don't hold the "Aaron episode" against me like you do... and please, please,
please forgive me. I have the most
history with you... I
love you... don't take sides, and get in the middle of this. It's hard enough as it is, and don't think that a night goes by where I don't think about how horrible I feel and how I wish that I had not been so
cruel.
Brendan... once again...
I don't think I can put my
feelings for you into words. We'll leave it at that, and hope that you can one day figure the rest out.