if one more man that i happen worship kisses me, then reveals how he is too fucked up, how the time is not right, and how the place is all wrong for anything to grow between us as a way to break my heart, i think i’m going to kill myself. no, wait. not myself.
him....
this has happened too many times this year. maybe this newest case is a chance for me to prove i learned from the last one, but i think i’m too fragile now to be that strong. i’ve been so sad so long now. not that long maybe. but longer than i have been in a while. if i string this out and talk him into being with me it’ll just hurt more in the end. i think i learned that from you, dear. i think i did. but i keep on holding out, hanging onto the tremble in his voice and the way that he too talks of someday, and i want to love him anyway, and want him to try no matter his misgivings. aren’t i worth that?
maybe that particular question is the problem precisely.
i bet you i’m worth more than that. and that’s why it has to hurt like this for now.