On weekends, there was a flea market at the fairgrounds. A regular-sized
flea market, in just the one building. But the third weekend of
every month was “The Big One.”
The
Big One, ba-boop, the biggest bargain in fun, ba-da-boop.
Three
whole buildings full of beer cans made into little airplanes and portraits of Elvis as Jesus and “Hang in there!” posters of kitties in trees.
The ad was on the radio and on TV, all
the time. The Big One, ba-boop, the biggest bargain in
fun, ba-da-boop.
Steve
could sing it in his sleep.
Steve
sometimes went to the regular flea market, but he always went to The
Big One. Monday nights were wrestling nights in the main building,
the largest of the three, and if you saved your “Big One” ticket
stub from the weekend you got in half-price to wrestling on Monday.
Ba-da-boop.
On “Big One”
weekends, in the main building soon as you walked in the door, there
was always a table with what-nots and whose-its and such, and this
particular ba-da-boop time, a sign caught Steve's eye that said, “Magick
Genie Lamp.”
“Hey Shirley.
How much for that?”
A woman with glasses held together with masking tape said, “Hey Steve.
Seven-fifty.”
Sold.
On the way home
Steve bought a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Then he hit a pothole in the road, hard.
Damn. I gotta remember to open them PBR's
careful.
He
didn't, of course. Steve popped open a cold one, beer and foam went
all over everything, and as he was cleaning that up he knocked the Magick Genie Lamp off the table.
Now
there was a crack in it. Biggest bargain my behind.
Steve
wiped off the beer and assessed the damage. He was humming “The
Big One” jingle and singing the ba-boop
parts, when suddenly, smoke that was robin's egg blue came puffing out.
“I
am Baboop, I am the genie of the lamp.”
Steve
looked around. He was still in his apartment. He looked down. Still
in one piece. Still wearing his Marshall Tucker Band T-shirt.
“Are
you kiddin' me?
“Pardon?”
“This
one of them hidden camera shows?”
“Well
no. I don't believe it is.”
“Uh...okay...what d'ya want, you want a beer?” Steve tilted a PBR in the
genie's direction.
“I
believe I was summoned and no, thank you, although I must say, it's
about time you were showing a little hospitality to someone whose
home you've just destroyed.”
Steve
looked at the lamp.
“Sorry
dude. It's not a big crack, say, are you one of them wish-grantin'
genies? I saw an episode of Scooby-Doo with a wish-grantin'
genie.”
“Yes,
I possess that power, although given the circumstances, I am hardly
in the mood.”
“Well
d'ya think you could get in the mood, 'cuz I know already what my wish is.”
“Oh
this should be stunning.”
"I wish for Bobby Heenan to get his voice back."
Bobby
“The Brain” Heenan is a former professional wrestler, wrestling
manager and wrestling commentator. He is best known for his
on-screen repartee with fellow wrestling commentator, Gorilla
Monsoon.
Once,
when asked by Monsoon if there were any swamps in Oklahoma, Heenan
replied, “Yes. Tulsa.”
In
2002, Heenan was diagnosed with throat cancer. He was able to make a
full recovery, but his once broad, rugged voice became a thin,
high-pitched rasp.
Baboop sighed. “Bobby Heenan.”
"Yep. Bobby Heenan."
Silent
for a moment, finally the genie asked, “Is there anything else?
You still have two wishes left.”
“I'd
like Shirley to have some new glasses. She's gettin' on up there and
that little booth at the flea market's about all the income she's
got.”
“Done”,
said Baboop. “This is the last one, Steve.”
“Yeah.
My last one is, to wish away that crack I made in the lamp.”
Baboop looked at him.
“No trillion dollars? No Maserati, no mansion, no gorgeous wife with
large breasts and money of her own?”
Steve
took a long pull off his beer.
“Yeah.
Them things are all nice to have I guess. They all come with problems of their own.”
Visibly
moved, the genie said, “Done and done.”
And
then he was gone,
The
flea market's not at the fairgrounds anymore. They still have “The
Big One”, it's out in the county now.
Baboop got a new home and Shirley got new glasses.
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan's talking up a storm.
It
turned out to be a pretty big bargain after all, like it says in the song.
Especially
for a guy who thought he was buying a hash pipe.