Have you ever had one of those moments where you look at yourself and think: How did I get here? I had such a moment last night, well really early this morning. I hate it when my mind acts like a particle accelerator, thoughts flashing faster and ever faster around until they eventually smash into something and stop altogether in the bliss of sleep. It makes for some late nights that I really don't need.
Recently I've been talking a lot with a friend of mine. She is such a deep person, with many insights on a great many things. She is creative, spiritual, and very smart. She has a spark that I haven't seen in someone for a good while.
In our dialogs I seem to be lacking in these things. She will ask my views on a subject and I'll come up with a blank. It's not like this is an unimportant topic to me, but I just haven't thought on it. I have no view as of yet. I used to think at great length on a great many things... now I do not.
She shared her artwork with me, something I truly appreciate. Ideas and symbolism spill out of each piece, some I catch others she has to point out. Each is creative and interesting. I used to attempt such things. I was never very good at it, but I tried regardless. I've tried to take up the practice again, but to no avail. That wellspring I used to draw from has dried it seems.
I used to look at the world with wonderment and awe of simply being a part of the world. Now, well I'm not sure anymore. Somewhere along the line I've lost something important to me. I wonder at what point it was that I lost it. It was still with me as I graduated High school years ago, despite all it's attempts to break me. It must have been in college. How ironic that a place of learning squelches the creative soul. Perhaps it was a combination of college and then real life that seal the deed.
I don't know, but I want it back.