We care a lot, and for one simple reason: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman belonged together. They were joined in holy matrimony and they ended it, shamelessly and without remorse. It's a travesty, I tell you! A shocking and repugnant travesty!
When I heard this news, I, for one, was utterly distraught. The shock and pain was too much for me to bear. Tom Cruise, for years the most beautiful man in Hollywood, and Nicole Kidman, that voluptuous Australian vixen with whom he'd appeared together so, so many times -- they were the very icon of modern marriage. They were the king and queen of all that was good and wonderful about humanity today, providing entertainment and happiness to endless millions throughout the Western world. Individually, they conquered. Together, they ruled. And now... today... that Tinseltown royal family is no more.
We need celebrity marriages to succeed in our modern, enlightened twenty-first-century society. They represent all that is good and wonderful about America (and Australia) today, and we need to know that if they can overcome poverty and human frailty to become the magnetic sex symbols they are today, then they are strong enough to overcome any petty differences they might have in their personal life as well! The rich and famous are obligated, nay, needed to provide solid, consistent role models and moral strongholds for all who know and love them! Modern civilization depends on it!
Because if these beautiful, wealthy people, so widely loved and admired thanks to the magic that is the silver screen, cannot make their union permanent and lasting -- well, what hope is there for the rest of us? Why should I go on with my own marriage, continue to show affection to my own family, if these renowned actors are unable to maintain the fires of passion in their own relationship?
I'm sorry, I think I need to go jump off a bridge now.