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OK, I lied. This is a flagrant use of title-baiting. Newspapers do it constantly, even going so far as to cut-short phrases and even words to make headlines look salacious to catch your eye. Mine is bad, but not yellow journalism bad. If you don't know how to brush your teeth, you are either a toddler (in which case I'm impressed by your reading acumen), or you are a moron, possibly just ignorant of the how-to. But in today's world of the information explosion we all know how to do it fairly accurately. Sometimes we wing it. We are really tired and we give it a once over and figure, "Jesus! It's not like I'm shooting heroin, get off my back you crazy monkey." But yes, you too, probably know how to do it correctly. But before we make absolutely sure that you are doing it correctly, let's title this piece what it should have been.

When to brush your teeth

The thing is, we've been told by mothers throughout the ages that you are supposed to brush after every meal. Dentists have been commenting on commercials about their 90% support of product x and brushing after meals since commercials first poisoned our air-waves. Why do you brush your teeth? The obvious answer is, to get them clean of course... duh. But what are we trying to clean off of them? Those 90% of dentists maybe gave away more than they intended to. You are trying to clean off bacteria and plaque from your teeth. Brush those teeth when it is the optimal time to clean that shit off your teeth... right after a meal? No, that's the optimal time to clean food off your teeth. It's kind of like trying to clean a moldy dirty car after coating it with raw oil. It's probably not going to have that perfectly-shining fresh from the detailer look. One layer at a time.

In fact, the best time for you to clean your teeth is slightly before meals. The exact timing isn't important, just that a good amount of time since your last meal has passed and that probably means you're hungry and, "Hell yeah! You want a McRib! Let's make that shit happen yesterday." So brush your teeth with cleaning the bacteria and plaque to death at the very fore of your mind. Violent thoughts have been known to help. Notice the lack of food to get in the way of contact between your brush and your teeth where the yucky-shit lives. Yes, lives people. You don't want some virulent living monster in your mouth that is so powerful it can bore a hole through enamel. You don't even want me to compare the strength of enamel to diamonds. Because diamonds are stronger. But dammit, enamel is probably the strongest substance in your entire body. Wax that shit till it reflects the sunlight. Once it's gone, it's never coming back.

And another thing, it is a misnomer to call it, "Brushing your teeth." It should be called brushing your mouth. You want to brush every part of your mouth your toothbrush can reach. Obviously go softly on your gums and soft-palate. Then use some mouthwash. What is it, $1 to $2 a bottle? You can afford it; splurge. Now here is the part that I consider to be a communist plot to turn your mouth red. Their politics failed so badly, in a last-ditch effort they played the ace up their sleeve for what would be their last Ruski guffaw with the introduction of floss to the Western Democratic world. Or as it's known by it's other name, soft-tissue-gouging razor-wire. Now I do like to clean between my teeth. I get something that is in-between a toothpick and a brush. It's a toothpick with bristles. Got the picture? It works phenomenally and the only colors my mouth protrude are red white, and blue. Mostly red and white though.

Don't take my word for it or centuries of dogma. Think it through and just exactly what you are trying to do. Sure, go the extra mile and rinse out the food or give it a once over with the brush. My favorite is gum when you are on the go, but brush the food off your teeth after eating. Brush the hell-spawn out of your mouth before eating. far out dental hygiene.

Science. It works, bitches.


Now of course you want to harangue me about these quickly-typed shoddy words constructed by a possibly THC-infused consciousness. I admit it. No article did I read, and no peer-reviewed paper led me to this conclusion. It just seems to break down logically, but still:

"There is an exception to the rule about brushing your teeth immediately after eating and drinking sugary beverages. Studies have shown that you should wait 30 minutes before brushing after drinking soda or orange juice, and after eating very acidic foods. The combination of the acid with brushing can actually cause your teeth to lose enamel. Also, waiting to brush may allow the protective agents in saliva to help repair and rebuild tooth enamel damaged by acidity." link

"If you've eaten an acidic food or drink, avoid brushing your teeth for at least 30 minutes. These acids weaken tooth enamel, and brushing too soon can remove enamel. If you know you're going to eat or drink something acidic, brush your teeth beforehand." link

If you've noticed the link between acidic foods and waiting to brush the ol' mouth-parts, uh, congratulations you are a human and were born with that innate need to recognize patterns in things! Turns out most of our meals have acid in them. Not many of us are dining on baking-soda shakes. Salty, oily, sugary, tart and full of flavor. Oh acid, is there anything you can't do?