I have to hope.
My boyfriend is leaving in a few weeks.
I'm going to miss him so much that it hurts - already. But I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of losing him.
I've already explained to him how it feels to me like we'll be together always and forever. But how can I really explain it? It's not the childhood dreams I used to have about other boyfriends, silly daydreams of our wedding day, looking at our first house. Sure, I still do that, but this feeling isn't about that, has nothing to do with that.
This feeling came the moment I met him. I knew I had to be with him, and from that day I tried my hardest to get to know him. I have never felt such attraction to someone. Sure, he's sexy, but I didn't just want his body, I wanted all of him, I asked him every question I could think of, just to get to know him, who he really is. I keep telling him "I didn't even want a boyfriend!", which is entirely true. I had been looking forward to a semester with my friends and myself, and any meaningless flings I decided to have, finally realizing that I didn't have to be engaged before graduation. I had found a great independence, and when he walked down those stairs it was almost like it was ripped away from me. Something inside just said "HIM!". Sometimes it wasn't even conscious. At first I was so swept up in meeting him, I didn't realize what I'd been doing. When I finally felt I could take a break and look back, I realized how different everything had been from previous boyfriends; my actions, my feelings, everything was totally new to me.
This feeling comes when he touches my cheek a certain way. No one has ever touched me as gently, or as sensuosly, as he does. I very rarely feel like I want to ask for more, and if I do, he gives it to me a second later without my saying a word. Have you ever had that? I hope so.
This feeling came when I realized I truly could trust him, with all my heart, the way I've never trusted anyone. And again, when I realized it a second time. He is so gentle, and so honest. The barriers he has are to protect himself from being hurt, not from being discovered.
The part of me that harbors so many irrational fears shouts "He's not coming back! He'll find some excuse, some new girl, something, but he's not coming back." The rational, logical part of me realizes there's a chance, but also realizes that I can't make him love me. And this inner peace seems to constantly reassure me that everything will be ok. It's tough to explain, I guess. But with all of the wonderful things he's brought to me, all of the wonderful experiences, the wonderful parts of myself that he's brought out, the wonderful boyfriend that he's been, I just have to hope.