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So I've always had a problem with trusting people. I think it started even before my best friend had sex with the guy she knew I was still crushing on. Before I had a boyfriend kiss another girl, or before I kissed a guy besides my boyfriend (I know some people don't consider that cheating, I do).

So when my new boyfriend and I hit our one-year anniversary, it still hurt him that I didn't completely trust him. I'd find directions in his car to some place and just need to find out what they were about, always trusted his answers. That sort of thing. Little things that can just nag at you, I just tried to take care of them right away, so I wouldn't be nagged and it wouldn't turn into some big, imagined problem. But he needed me to trust him. So I did.

Then tonight I go to his homenode, and am reminded that he has a web journal. Silly me, I check it out. There's an entry from a few months ago about a "curious romantic situation". A few days after that there's an entry saying "It's still a problem, guess I'll have to talk to the people involved." I'm paraphrasing. Unfortunately, he lives an hour away, by Rhode Island standards much too far to drive, and his parents are already asleep. Fortunately, he shows up online. I ask him about it, he can't remember what it was even about. I'm sorry, I'm trying my absolute best to trust him, but I have a very hard time believing that. I'm also getting back into insecure mode: he's looking at other people because I'm just not cool enough.

But that was a few months ago, he's still with me, and that's good. Things have been great. Honestly I don't think he's had time to cheat on me, he spends so much time driving here or with me or chatting online with me. And like my roomie says, "You can tell when he looks in your eyes that he really loves you." It's still gonna bug me for a little while, and he's just gonna have to deal with it. The bestest, most reassuring thing he can do is just hold me, and look into my eyes. And the best thing I can do is keep trusting him.